I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I began writing this nearly three months ago while I was lying in bed in a hotel room between hospital visits at Cleveland Clinic. I never finished it, but found it on my phone and decided to add some ending thoughts...

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

 Somedays I just wish I was well. It's those days that are hard to handle. Those days I think my body is evilly plotting against me. Those days when I wish I could do what everyone else does. Those days when I think back to what it was like before I hurt so badly. I miss those days. 

I miss being able to pop my eyes open and jump out of bed. Not taking an hour or more to get ready because I can't move. Not being nauseated in the mornings. Not feeling exhausted from the moment I wake up. Sleeping well, not waking up five times in the night, and actually feeling rested when I awake. Running. Dancing. Jumping. Doing kart wheels and handstands. Walking up or down stairs without shaking or tripping. Carrying more than five pounds before sending my heart to palpitations and my lungs on a coughing spree.

That was written 108 days ago... and even just in those three months things have gotten worse for my health. Quite possibly the worst part of this sickness is watching yourself grow worse every day. Sometimes I wonder how things could get worse and how bad I will be a year from now, five years from now, ten years from now. I could end up being the girl who is in a wheelchair by the time I am thirty years old. Who knows.

Already since that time I can name new things that I miss. I miss taking showers. I now take baths almost always because a shower just requires too much energy and stability that I don't have. I miss bending without sharp pains in my knees or my ankles curling out. I miss straightening or curling my hair daily. Now I have a perm because sitting for 20 minutes fixing my hair every day hurt my back too badly and it became too much to manage. I miss painting my toe nails; now if I do this, I have to spend the next few hours laying down with heat on my back. 

Someday not too far from now I might miss other things. I might miss being able to get dressed without someone helping me. I might miss walking down the stairs. I might miss walking at all. I might miss attending classes at EKU. I might miss driving or traveling. I might miss holding babies or small kids on my hip.(That's already becoming difficult.) I might miss writing cards and notes because my hand cramps with pain. I might miss washing my own hair. I might miss carrying a backpack or purse. I might miss going a day without using some sort of wrap or brace. I might miss living. 

But you know what... Today I can sing, I can drive, I can talk, I can walk, I can smile. Today I can love this life and be thankful for each breath. We never know when simple menial tasks we do everyday without noticing will be the things we long and wish we could do again. Now I see why when people get older, they become so ashamed to let other care for them. Who wants to be bathed and fed by another person? Not many do. But somehow we must humble ourselves and learn to ask for help. 

I'm finally trying to let go and let God. I'm asking for help when I need it and when I don't I take pride in the things I can do alone. I don't know how long m independence will last, but I will take advantage of it while I can. I am just grateful to know that as I become more and more unable to do things for myself, I have wonderful family and friends surrounding me who will step in to help. They already have so much. 

When God says no.

I wrote and read this for my church ladies day last weekend.
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Recently, I was talking with a friend and the topic of prayer came up. This friend stated that he didn't think prayer was really effective because things did or did not happen regardless of if he prayed. This caught me off guard and at the time, I had no idea how to respond to his statement. I have been thinking about his comments since then and trying to decide why I pray and why I believe it is effective and worth my time.

As you may or may not know, I suffer from medical conditions that cause chronic daily pain and constant visits to various doctors and specialists. Throughout my life, I have prayed countless times for healing from my illnesses and yet, I am still sick. Does this mean my prayers have been in vain or that God hasn't heard me? No, I think it is quite the opposite. I know God hears me, but maybe he has different plans in mind.

Sometimes we mistake God's silence or an answer other than yes for God not hearing our prayers. But I know firsthand that God hears and answers prayers. I have prayed and seen results within minutes that I just can't believe is a coincidence  But I have also experienced the discouragement of what I thought were prayers God didn't answer or didn't hear.

As I just mentioned, I have prayed over and over to be healed. I always left the how up to God, whether it be through a sort of miraculous healing of my illnesses and disease or if it be through treatments and surgeries provided by the doctors, but I never even considered a healing that wasn't physical.

See, I believe God has heard my prayers to be healed, but I think He has a better way of doing that than a miraculous healing. Maybe for God's plan for my life and who He wants me to become, I have to first endure these times of physical hardship. Maybe the healing God wants to provide me with now is a spiritual and emotional healing. I firmly believe that is it. Because through God answering my prayers differently than I had hoped, I have gained appreciation for life and a special kind of long suffering, both of which I could not have experienced if God had just given me what I had asked for at the time.

Sometimes when we think God says no, He really just has better plans in mind. Although we may not fully understand them at the time, they make perfect sense in the will of God and will make sense to us someday too.

Thinking about the topic of prayer reminds me of a song by a Christian artist, Laura Story. This song is called "Blessings" and in the song she says...

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You're near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

Philippians 4:6-7 says:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

So to answer my friend who asked me about prayer: I would now say to Him that just because God doesn't answer the way we pray, doesn't mean He isn't answering at all. Sometimes God's silence or change of direction is just a better plan of protection and love.

A People Pleaser's Plea

I'm a people pleaser. Sometimes to the point that I make myself miserable trying to make others happy. But no matter how hard I try, somebody is always unhappy. Because no matter how much energy I put into pleasing others, I can't please everyone. (Even as I write this, I don't think I fully get it...)

I think this will always be something I struggle with. Although I want to please my parents, family, and friends, I have to realize it isn't the most important thing I could ever do. The most important thing I could ever do is to please my Heavenly Father. His opinion matters the most.

Sometimes people reject our tries to make them happy. They make hurtful comments, question your motives, and take advantage of your compliant attitude, but it's okay. Somehow, we just have to let it go.

The truth is, I try... Really hard. Sometimes too hard. Sometimes so hard I only hurt myself. But God sees my tries, my failures, and my shortcomings, and says it's okay. If only people could do the same thing. But at the end of the day, God is who I most want to please -  not other people.

So while my tries to please others may be rejected now, I know God looks down and sees a heart trying to do what is right. He sees my attempts as success and my failures as lessons. He wants me to keep my heart in the right place and keep trying. He doesn't want me to let others take advantage of me, but he doesn't want me to harden my heart either. It's a fine balance that I have not mastered, but maybe one day I can be a little better. But until then, I will strive to work for my God and not for men.

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men."

                                                                                  -Colossians 3:23

Paper People

Recently I read 'Paper Towns' by John Green. He is an amazing author, but that's another story... Anyway this post is inspired by his book and the quotes below are his.

“Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen - these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.”

I like that quote so much. It's interesting, unique, and amazingly true. How many times are we hurt by others because they don't do or say what we wanted or expected of them? Was it really a fault in them or maybe were hurt because of our perception of what we thought they were? Sometimes we forget that people aren't perfect. We get so caught up in finding this standard in a person when in reality that standard looks different for everyone. Maybe if we learned to accept people for who they are, not our ideas of what they should be, we would have realistic expectations and not be disappointed so frequently. 


I've been disappointed, hurt, scarred, and cracked. I always thought that made me worth less than if I had never been hurt, but in reality it is quite the opposite. Sometimes those pains, hurt, and tears lead you to a new place in life. A place where you learn, grow, and share with others. A place where you are finally cracked enough to let others see you for who you really are... And you're okay with it. When we can learn to embrace our fragile, cracked, and scarred hearts then maybe we could learn to embrace others and this life. 

Paper people. 

“Here's what's not beautiful about it: from here, you can't see the rust or the cracked paint or whatever, but you can tell what the place really is. You can see how fake it all is. It's not even hard enough to be made out of plastic. It's a paper town. I mean, look at it, Q: look at all those culs-de-sac, those streets that turn in on themselves, all the houses that were built to fall apart. All those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm. All the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. Everyone demented with the mania of owning things. All the things paper-thin and paper-frail. And all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters.”

Paper people caring about paper things, all fleeting and fading away. Reading this quote reminded of the book of Ecclesiastes. The writer, Solomon, declared that everything in life is meaningless, vain, and futile.  Isn't it though? What in this life is worth what we put into it? Nothing except our Heavenly Father and faith. I'm not saying we should all do nothing and be bums, but we need to examine our motives and be sure they are worthwhile. Heaven is worthwhile. 

I know I spend too much time on meaningless things in this life; I want to change that. I want to spend more time loving my family and friends, living for my God, and sharing His amazing gift with others. 

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal... For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."