What I can before I can't.

As I reflect back on this last week, I realize several things:

1.) I am insane for staying as busy as I do.
2.) I am really excited for school and my new job.
3.) I am extremely grateful for all the opportunities that I have been given.
4.) I am thankful for each and every friend and family member who support me in various ways.
5.) I AM TIRED.

As a young woman with medical issues and the desire to go, go, go, I sometimes have trouble balancing life. I want to be a normal college student. I want to have fun, hang out with friends, eat weird foods, and not require a normal amount of sleep. But I need to be a little abnormal. I need to have fun of course, but I also need consistency in my life with sleep, eating, and how much I do in one day. I can't give away all my spoons at once. (http://stacieelainelawrence.blogspot.com/2012/11/how-do-you-use-your-spoons.html) So clearly most often what I want and what I need are two very different things.

Sometimes I feel sick when I overdo it, but sometimes I feel lame sitting at home in my pajamas on a Friday night when I could have been out with friends. Sometimes, like today, my body aches from the constant activity, but sometimes I feel nothing because I did nothing. While I have to be considerate of what my body needs and how much it can handle, I have come to the conclusion that I want to do what I want while I can before I can't anymore. I want to go, run, laugh, eat, jump, and smile while I am able before I am unable to do the things that I enjoy so much.

Perhaps this is why I have loved to be busy from the time I was a child. All through my years in school, mom drove me all over the city, county, state, and sometimes country to do the things I desired to participate in. I have been to Jabez, KY I don't know how many times in my 4-H career. I have been to Florida and California to vacation. I have gone out of state for youth events with my church. I have even invaded my friend's vacations for more to do. And when I couldn't be traveling the country, I traveled Richmond like crazy. Once I got my license, I was never home. My parents still sometimes claim that the only time I am home is when I am sleeping. I'm off making memories every second I get.

Maybe I just knew, deep down, at an early age that I couldn't always be able to. Maybe I knew that someday my 'cans' would run out and my 'cant's' would grow larger and larger. Maybe I knew that I needed to live it up while I'm young and agile and not waste a precious moment of energy or desire. Whatever the reason, I am glad that I didn't just sit idly and watch the world pass me by.

When I am old and unable to move without pain, I don't want to regret not doing anything. Because more often than not, you regret the things you didn't do more than the things that you did. When I am old, I want to look at the giggling children and smile, because I once giggled with my friends too. When I see the crazy middle schoolers running from each other or standing outside the movie theater taking silly faced selfies, I want to laugh because I took a few (hundred) myself. When I see a teen driver behind the wheel with the music up loud, I want to sing because I remember those nights with the windows rolled down and the music up loud. When I see college students experiencing life for the first time and having fun like they never have before, I want to think back to these years with fondness.

So while I must make intelligent decisions for my health's sake, I know I must always make intelligent decisions for fun's sake, for memory making, and to fulfill my wondering and 'what if...' For tonight, I will take my medicine, apply heat to my shoulder, and curl up in bed, hoping to fall asleep with ease. But when tomorrow comes, I will assess the today and decide what memories to make and how I want to spend the days of 'cans'.

Cans don't last forever. So cherish them, use them, and remember them.