Last week was hard. It started Monday morning and it continued through Sunday. I just felt like one thing after another was attacking me. First, my health. Then, my relationships. Then, my own peace. I felt shaken. I felt uneasy. I felt like too many changes occurred in too short of a time. I hate change. I hate uneasiness. I hate not being in control.
In my moments of weakness, I began to feel a little sorry for myself. But the outpouring of love I received quickly reminded me that even the midst of a storm, I am so blessed.
During every trial this week, my family and friends held me up. I didn't have to cry one tear alone. Whether on the phone or in person, giving encouraging words, praying for me, or holding me close, everyone rallied around to make sure I knew I was loved and I was not alone.
Sometimes the reason we feel so alone is because we don't let anyone know when something is wrong. Sometimes we become so prideful that we can't possibly admit that we are flawed, emotional, and damaged people. We create a facade and work so diligently to uphold our image of perfection.
I'm not perfect. I'm scarred. I have bruises. I have uncertainty. I lack peace. I lack discipline. I lack so much. But what I lack, my Jesus makes up for. And while I am weak, He is strong. While I fail him daily, He never fails me. And I believe Jesus uses the people and things around us, as an extension of Him, to hold and comfort us. I know this because I felt it this past week.
I felt Jesus in my daddy's hug when I was having an autonomic crisis and sobbing uncontrollably.
I felt Jesus in the little girl from church who innocently asked what my tens unit was.
I felt Jesus in the hugs of my friends when I had tear filled eyes.
I felt Jesus in the friend who drove more than an hour to bring me chocolate and give me a hug.
I felt Jesus in the texts friends and family sent to let me know they were praying for me.
I felt Jesus in the celebration and baptism of my friend's decision to live for Christ.
I felt Jesus in the music at church that spoke to my heart.
I felt Jesus in the heart to heart I had with two sweet sisters in Christ.
I felt Jesus in the prayer we lifted up holding hands and shedding tears.
I felt Jesus in the invitation talk at church, where the topic was trials and I, of course, cried.
I felt Jesus in my mother's hospitality toward the dozen college students in her home.
I felt Jesus in the sunshine and breeze while sitting in the ravine.
I felt Jesus in the coming together of what I thought was a lost opportunity.
I felt Jesus in the friend who stands by me, no matter what the issue.
I felt Jesus in Bible study as we shared our struggles and our need for each other.
I felt Jesus in the Amen song at church.
I felt Jesus in the text messaged between me and my fellow zebra.
I felt Jesus in the new friends who encouraged me with a lot of laughter.
I felt Jesus in the music on K-Love, while driving to school.
I felt Jesus in my time of personal prayer.
I felt Jesus in the encouragement of a friend discovering our loving Heavenly Father.
I felt Jesus in the sky, the trees, the beauty that surrounds me in this earth.
I felt Jesus in the things I so often take for granted.
I felt Jesus in people.
I felt Jesus in things.
I felt Jesus through His providential grace.
I felt Jesus because He knew I needed to.
I felt Jesus because I need Him.
Maybe I would feel Jesus more if I looked. If I was open to hearing what He is trying to tell me. This week, Jesus allowed me to be broken so that I could be made whole again. He allowed me to be poured out - all the worry, pain, and struggle - so that I could be filled with Him. While I still may not understand why everything happens the way it does, I know He does. While what I want may not happen, God uses these times to remind me that His plans are so much better than anything I could ever imagine for myself. All I need is faith.
For the friends and family who showed me Jesus this week, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I could never explain how much I needed you and how you all helped me, perfectly, in your own way, and at the right time. I love you all and I feel so blessed to have such an amazing support system. I know I have incredible people in my life when others start pointing out how awesome it is that so many people care for me. When it comes to love, I am certainly not lacking.
I am full today. Full of love. Full of joy. Full of God's amazing grace.
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