Why are you so fearful?

This past Sunday at church, my preacher preached a sermon titled, "Why are you so fearful?" The sermon used the story in the Bible when Jesus calmed the storm. In this story, Jesus and his disciples are out at sea, Jesus falls asleep in the boat, and a storm begins raging around them. The disciples woke up Jesus in a panic, asking Him to help. Jesus answered them with a question, "Why are you fearful, oh you of little faith?" 

The disciples were scared. Despite having Jesus, their Lord and savior, I'm the boat with them, they feared they would die. Sometimes as a Christian, I act the same way. I say I trust Jesus, I believe he came save me from any situation, and yet I am never completely without fear. 

Everybody has that one thing they can't quite let go of. No matter how many times we pray about it, asking God to take control and help us, we stil don't let go. We can't surrender to God in word only. 

As I was pondering these thoughts and the sermon, this thought suddenly came to mind and I firmly believe God put it there in His awesome timing: "Stacie, why are you so fearful? Are you afraid the plans that I, The Lord, have made for you are not enough?" Instantly tears filled my eyes and I knew why I act in fear, instead of faith. 

Somehow I can't let go. Somehow I have told myself that my plans are better. I've acres as if God's amazing will is not enough. How could the one who created me not know what's best? 

When I realized this, my tough situation didn't seem so bad. It seemed like part of the plan, a piece of the puzzle, a tiny speck in the scheme of eternity. So that is how I must view it. That is how I must live my life. 

If asked, most Christians would say that they trust God to save their soul and take them to Heaven someday. Most Christians live this. They aren't constantly worrying about whether or not they will be in Heaven, or whether or not God will forgive them of that day's sins. He already has. He already died. He already forgave. He already saved. We know this. 

But when asked about the situation at work, the new relationship, the fight with a friend, the big test coming up... How many Christians live out their faith then? 

Every plan we don't give to God, every fear we hold on to, every portion of our life we don't intrust to our Heavenly Father is a portion of faith we can never experience. 

I trust God to save my soul. I trust God to take me to Heaven. I want to trust God with my today. 

Is God enough? Why are you so fearful? 

If we trust God with our eternity, we have to trust Him with our now. 

Lessons for the new year: cliche, I know.

As I look back on 2013, I am overcome with emotions, memories, smiles, and tears. I realize what all I have been through and how much I have left to go. I'm excited for the future and to see what God has in store for me. So as I think back on this year, many lessons come to mind. Things I have learned this year that I want to always remember.

1.) It's okay to not be okay.

It's alright to admit you need help, to not be strong enough, to need to cry. This year had a few low moments. Yes, it made me sad, tore me down, and made me feel weak. But when I am weak, God is strong. As long as I trust in Him, everything will be okay. Even the darkest nights end in sunrise.

2.) Just make a decision.

I am the most indecisive person I know. If somebody asks where I want to eat lunch, it usually results in a ten minute debate with myself. But there is no reason to agonize over day to day decisions that have little affect on my life. So just pick. Make a decision. Say what you want. And for those bigger decision: think, pray, and then decide. Because sooner or later you will learn if it was the right decision or not.

3.) Accept that people come and go.

Along with my lack of decisiveness, I have never been good with change. I've always been afraid of what will happen and what if I don't like the future as much as I like the now. But it only gets better. People come in and out of life to teach us lessons, help us through difficult times, be a friend, and help us progress to the next point in life. But they can't stay forever and that's okay. It's crucial to understand that you have few forever friends and many friends who are here for a reason or season.

4.) Love people. 

Even though everyone won't always be in your life, love and embrace them as if they are the most important person in your life. Everybody needs kindness and love and you are the person who could show them that. Be Jesus to everyone-you may be the only Bible someone ever reads. 

5.) Know what you believe.

Stand firm in your faith. Don't give in. Don't back down. Be open to new ideas, but do not let any change who you are or what you stand for.  The world will present you with a million different lies and you must be intelligent enough to separate them from the truth. Know who you are and embrace that person. And when you aren't sure who you are, let God help you find the way.

6.) God says no. 

God's thoughts are higher than ours and His ways are better than ours. His plan is far more glorious than anything we could ever dream for ourselves. So trust in HIM. Know that His 'no' is just a redirection to where you need to be. Don't get discouraged if you hear no more often than yes. Know that God doesn't take away without providing that something that you do need.

7.) Love your life. 

And take nothing for granted. You have ONE life. ONE. So love what you do! If you love to travel, do it. If you love school, then study and learn. If you're a mom, be the best one you can be. Whatever you do, whatever you are, do your best and be your best. Life is too short to not love what you're doing or who you are. So if you don't love it, change it.

8.) Live your life.

I do two things: I live and I try to stay alive. Believe me, there is a huge difference. Every medication, brace, taping, physical therapy session, doctors visit, and medical procedure are ways I spend my time trying to stay alive. But every friendship, laugh, smile, tear, fun night, and piece of chocolate are ways I spend my time living. I understand the difference. I know I need both. But sometimes I have to choose living over staying alive. I have to choose the experiences and the memories over the extra year of life. I have to remember that a life spent trying to stay alive is not necessarily a life worth living.

9.) Stand up.

There will be set backs. You will get sick. You will make a bad grade. Your friend will get mad at you. You will be late for work. Someone will break your heart. You will have surgery. You will cry in pain. You will ask God why. Get up and move on. It's not to say you won't fall down again; you will fall many times. But if you never get up, if you never move, you will never know the beauty of standing tall.

10.) Trust God. 

He knows. He cares. He has a plan. He sees the complete picture while you agonize and obsess over one piece of the puzzle. Pray often. Sing to God, give Him praise. Don't always pray to complain and request, but to offer gratitude and adoration. God is good, all the time. Don't be so focused on yourself that you can't see and appreciate is unconditional love and unending grace and mercy.

Life isn't easy. But an elderly man at my church told me that each stage of life has been better than the one before. There will be hard times. There will be sadness. But there will also be so much joy and happiness. Focus on that. Live for that. Set goals. Make mistakes. Cry. Laugh. Dream. This is your opportunity, your new year, your life.

      

The sickest people are the happiest people

Recently at church, we discussed how your physical health affects your spiritual well being. I sat quietly, unable to say much about being healthy, or even knowing what it feels like. While others spoke about how they think your physical health affects your spiritual health, I took in all they were saying and began questioning everything I have ever told myself. Some things said were:

When you're healthy, your mind is less worried and more able to focus on spiritual matters.
When you feel better physically, that shows in all areas of your life.
When you're healthy, you have an easier time being thankful and happy. 

As I heard each one, I cringed for a second, shaking my head, wondering if people ever think of those of us who aren't so healthy in the room. But then I reminded myself that often times I don't think of those who are healthy in the room. I then decided to try to not be so sensitive to what was being said, but instead, use these statements as a time to question my own faith. 

When you're healthy, your mind is less worried and more able to focus on spiritual matters. 

This is probably true. How many hours, dollars, tears, and sleepless nights have been spent on my medical conditions. How many hospitals have my parents driven (or flown) me to? How many times have I cried out in anger or despair to God for what I'm struggling with? How many prayers have been sent up on my behalf? You know what, a lot of worry DOES go into my conditions, but so does A LOT of prayer. 

Just last night, I became very ill - mom almost took me to the ER. Within minutes of posting a prayer request on FaceBook, we had countless people sending up prayers on my behalf. Every time I am sick, have a bad day, hurt something else, discover a new ache or pain, or am sad because I'm sick, I pray to God. I seek His comfort. I seek His will. So maybe I do worry, but these conditions strengthen my faith, they teach me to wait on God, they make me trust in Him, and they make me want to be an over comer. I believe I am probably one of the most prayed for sick people, thanks to my amazing Christian family.  

When you feel better physically, that shows in all areas of your life. 

Again, true. People who feel good about themselves shine with confidence. They look good, they feel good, and they want to share that with others. Because of their healthy confidence, they may develop a stronger confidence in their faith as well. I don't feel good physically. No matter what I do, I can't seem to help that a great deal, but I try to remember the other positive characteristics that I possess. No I can't run a mile, or even walk a mile. I can't play sports. I can barely even stand without hurting myself, but I can share my smile, my love, and my joy. I believe that when you have Christ, your inner peace and joy can shine through any struggle in life. 

When you're healthy, you have an easier time being thankful and happy. 

Possibly. But I know a lot of healthy people who aren't happy. I know a lot of healthy people who constantly complain and take life for granted. I know a lot of healthy people who can't appreciate the little things in life. I may not have perfect health, but I certainly have a lot to be thankful for. 

I may not have what others would consider and easy or happy life, but I almost always have a smile on my face. I think the more that I deal with these medical conditions, the easier I am to make happy. I understand why I can't take things for granted. Once minute I may be laughing with friends and the next I could be on the floor in a hysterical state due to my many medical problems. So when times are good, when I don't have pain, when I can smile and laugh, those are the times I love. Those are the times I cherish. Those are the moments for which I am incredibly thankful. 

I may not always be thankful for everything, but I am probably more thankful for the little things than most people are. I may not always be happy, but I always have Jesus and I always have joy. I've always considered myself to be a happy person and I don't think any person, any problem, or any condition could take that away from me. 

So maybe you healthy people have a few things on me. Maybe you can outrun me or outdo me in any physical activity, but I bet I can smile longer. So for me, I believe the sickest people can be the happiest people. Because I am happy, I am sick, and I have never known any different. 

Forgiven and loved

Six years ago at this time, I was riding in a car with tears streaming down my face. Prayers were said, phone calls were made, and a decision was reached. This was the night that I gave my life to Jesus and joined the wonderful family of God.

Growing up in a Christian home, I think most things were easier when it came to learning about God. I always knew where the books of the Bible were from having "Bible drills." I sang an abundance of VBS songs, which I later learned the meanings to. I could tell you all about the stories in the Bible, including my favorite: Baalam and his talking donkey. But despite my elementary Biblical knowledge, the songs I knew, and my hundreds of Sundays in church, something was still missing.

No matter how many Bible verses you memorize, stories you tell, or songs you sing, it's all in vain without the understanding that you're a sinner in desperate need of a savior. This isn't something you realize right away; it takes some growing, some learning, and some serious consideration. It wasn't until a revival church service when a preacher asked if I was saved that I realized that maybe I wasn't.

As tears brimmed my eyes on the car ride home, mom began asking me questions about that night at church, what the preacher said, and what I thought about it. As a thirteen year old, I knew what was right and wrong, but somehow I kept wasting opportunities to give in to God's amazing grace. Looking back, I think I was afraid that I had to be perfect. Perfection is still something that I have yet to achieve.

Finally my mom asked me, "If you died tonight, would you go to Heaven?" At that moment, I whispered that I wasn't sure and began to cry. Once I came to this realization, I called my daddy and we all prayed together. Finally, my decision was made.

Everybody made their way to the church, including my Grandad. I firmly believe that my Grandma was somehow, some way, looking down on me too, smiling with joy and sending hugs through other people.While we waited for my daddy to arrive, we sang some of my favorite hymns. Per Grandad's request, "Coming Home" was sung. Although I look back on my baptism and giggle because we sang a "funeral song," I also am happy because that was for Grandad, and probably Grandma too.

Once Daddy, Stephanie, and Charles, who got in trouble for leaving work, arrived, it was time for my baptism. So around 11:30 pm on August 23, 2007, I was baptized by my daddy into God's family. As I was lifted out of the cold water, I felt the weight of sin, worry, and guilt fall away. Everyone gathered around for hugs and a prayer and I left the church feeling whole, new, and forgiven.

Fast forward six years: I am still nowhere near perfect, but I strive to grow closer to God every day. My relationship with God started with the fear of hell. What started as fear has grown to love. Of course, hell is still a fearful thing, but that isn't the only reason I follow God anymore. I follow Him because He loves me, gave His Son for me, understands that I will constantly mess up and fail Him, and yet still provides me with Him unfailing love and unending grace. For that I am forever indebted and forever thankful.

I have been through a lot in the last six years. I finished middle school, started and finished high school, and started college. I have been through tough situations and temptations with friends. I have laughed and I have cried over the crazy trials of this life. My health has gone up and down, along with my emotions, over and over and over again. But despite this crazy life, my countless flaws, and the constant struggle that comes with being human, God has never once left my side.

Jesus holds my hand and walks with me every single day. When I push Him away, He holds me closer. When I fail Him, He holds out His hand to life me back up. When I cry out His name, in pain from this life, He listens and responds no matter how silly the need. I could not be where I am or who I am without God. I am amazed every day by His patience with me as I navigate life and strive to find my place in this world. But one thing is for certain, no matter where I go or what I do, if I am running towards Jesus, I will always find happiness, peace, and rest.

Your love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me. 

What I can before I can't.

As I reflect back on this last week, I realize several things:

1.) I am insane for staying as busy as I do.
2.) I am really excited for school and my new job.
3.) I am extremely grateful for all the opportunities that I have been given.
4.) I am thankful for each and every friend and family member who support me in various ways.
5.) I AM TIRED.

As a young woman with medical issues and the desire to go, go, go, I sometimes have trouble balancing life. I want to be a normal college student. I want to have fun, hang out with friends, eat weird foods, and not require a normal amount of sleep. But I need to be a little abnormal. I need to have fun of course, but I also need consistency in my life with sleep, eating, and how much I do in one day. I can't give away all my spoons at once. (http://stacieelainelawrence.blogspot.com/2012/11/how-do-you-use-your-spoons.html) So clearly most often what I want and what I need are two very different things.

Sometimes I feel sick when I overdo it, but sometimes I feel lame sitting at home in my pajamas on a Friday night when I could have been out with friends. Sometimes, like today, my body aches from the constant activity, but sometimes I feel nothing because I did nothing. While I have to be considerate of what my body needs and how much it can handle, I have come to the conclusion that I want to do what I want while I can before I can't anymore. I want to go, run, laugh, eat, jump, and smile while I am able before I am unable to do the things that I enjoy so much.

Perhaps this is why I have loved to be busy from the time I was a child. All through my years in school, mom drove me all over the city, county, state, and sometimes country to do the things I desired to participate in. I have been to Jabez, KY I don't know how many times in my 4-H career. I have been to Florida and California to vacation. I have gone out of state for youth events with my church. I have even invaded my friend's vacations for more to do. And when I couldn't be traveling the country, I traveled Richmond like crazy. Once I got my license, I was never home. My parents still sometimes claim that the only time I am home is when I am sleeping. I'm off making memories every second I get.

Maybe I just knew, deep down, at an early age that I couldn't always be able to. Maybe I knew that someday my 'cans' would run out and my 'cant's' would grow larger and larger. Maybe I knew that I needed to live it up while I'm young and agile and not waste a precious moment of energy or desire. Whatever the reason, I am glad that I didn't just sit idly and watch the world pass me by.

When I am old and unable to move without pain, I don't want to regret not doing anything. Because more often than not, you regret the things you didn't do more than the things that you did. When I am old, I want to look at the giggling children and smile, because I once giggled with my friends too. When I see the crazy middle schoolers running from each other or standing outside the movie theater taking silly faced selfies, I want to laugh because I took a few (hundred) myself. When I see a teen driver behind the wheel with the music up loud, I want to sing because I remember those nights with the windows rolled down and the music up loud. When I see college students experiencing life for the first time and having fun like they never have before, I want to think back to these years with fondness.

So while I must make intelligent decisions for my health's sake, I know I must always make intelligent decisions for fun's sake, for memory making, and to fulfill my wondering and 'what if...' For tonight, I will take my medicine, apply heat to my shoulder, and curl up in bed, hoping to fall asleep with ease. But when tomorrow comes, I will assess the today and decide what memories to make and how I want to spend the days of 'cans'.

Cans don't last forever. So cherish them, use them, and remember them. 

Just keep swimming...

Last week, I hung out in a pool with some girlfriends. Typically, I am very lazy when I "swim" and only stand around and talk or maybe wade around a little bit. This time, I decided to try to be a little more active.

My sister and a friend climbed out of the pool so they could run and jump in. "I'm coming too!" I said pulling myself up out of the pool. I ran, I jumped, and swam back to the surface. I then felt a pulling in my leg and realized that I had dislocated my hip. I tried to swim it off, but it ached for several minutes.

After recovering from the dislocation, I decided to do a handstand in the water. I held my breath, went under, and pushed myself up into a handstand. It was going well, until I lost my balance and flipped over. Anytime I am upside down or flip suddenly, my heart palpitates and I become disoriented; this was no exception.

After this, I decided to take it easy for awhile. I swam around a little, talked with friends, and just enjoyed the weightlessness and pain free feeling I have when my body is submerged in water.

Then we decided we just had to create a wave pool. So we began jumping up and down in the water, splashing, having fun, and making huge waves. But after a few big jumps, my bad knee decided that it had had enough  It quickly gave out, popped, and the pain hit.

After this, I decided I just can't do anything fun... but not really. I just realized that I have to take it easy. I have to think of my bad knee, my dislocating hips, and my frail heart. I have to realize that I can't do what everybody else can. I have to know when to stop, when to rest, and when I have had enough. I'm getting there...slowly.

But whatever currently ails me, I know I have to keep pressing forward. Whether that is running, walking, crawling, or from a wheelchair, I'll keep on moving.

"When life get's you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..."

Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.

I fall a lot. All the time. Almost daily. Thankfully, I'm always able to get up. Usually it's by crossing my feet, putting my hands on the ground by my sides, and firmly pushing up until I'm standing again. Other times it's by grabbing the nearest piece of furniture that is sturdy enough to pull on. And then there are times when the only way that I can stand is by allowing someone to offer a hand and pull me to my feet.

A few weeks ago, I had the joy of volunteering with Madison County 4-H Camp as an adult counselor. This was my seventh year attending camp and my second year as an adult volunteer. I know the routine of camp well and I enjoyed every moment. 

Of course with my medical issues, camp was very interesting. I visited the health care provider on site four times a day for medication. (I tied for 'most medications' with 10 different prescriptions.) The HCP and I were on a first name basis by the end of day one. Barbara was great and even gave me a hot pack when my shoulder pain became too much to bear. 

Luckily, I have grown up with our wonderful 4-H agents and they know me and my medical conditions very well. They gave me a job at camp where I could be inside the only air conditioned building and have a little extra time to rest in the afternoons. I also had some great friends at my side through camp who understood what I could do and helped me with the things I couldn't. My mom was also there which of course helps anybody to feel better-knowing their mommy is nearby. 

The camp week was great thanks to all these amazing individuals and the girls in my cabin, who were so much fun! Despite my usual aches and pains, I made it through the week only a little sleep deprived and extremely exhausted. 

Things were great, but on the last night, I had a fall. I was returning to my cabin after taking a shower and grabbing a snack in our counselor lounge. Due to my own issues and some poorly lit stairs, I fell. Hard. I missed the bottom step, when I landed my ankle gave out and I found myself standing on the outside of my ankle. Then I heard a pop from my bad knee as I hit the pavement. All of this happened in about a second and a half, but it plays in slow motion over and over again in my mind.

Luckily two of those people who know me well were with me when it happened. They were at my side immediately, sitting on the ground with me somehow knowing just what to do. The other people around went into a panic, rattling off medications, bandaids, ice, and people they could get to help. "I'm fine," I muttered through tear filled eyes. Crying because of the physical pain and hoping nothing was sprained, but also because it was at that moment that I again realized, I'm not like everybody else. 

My 4-H agent while kneeling beside me asked where my knee brace was and then told me I wasn't allowed to cry because he would too. (He also admitted that my blog sometimes makes him cry too. Sorry!) This made me laugh a little, but for whatever reason I still couldn't stop crying.

One of my best friends, also sitting beside me, sat silently, but I knew he was there and that was all I needed. I don't think I have ever seen anyone appear at my side so quickly and make their presence known without saying much at all. 

After wiggling my ankle and knee, I put out my hands and was helped to my feet. I was trying to make a quick escape to avoid the strangers around me seeing me cry, but my friend wouldn't let me leave without a hug, which only produced more tears. I hobbled back to my cabin, tears flowing freely. Thankfully my cabin was asleep, except mom who immediately  had a supposed-to-be-an-adult, crying Stacie in her arms. 

Yes, it was just a fall. I trip constantly, but I usually catch myself. I fall down, but it doesn't hurt so much. I laugh it off, but this time it was just different. I lost a little pride (and some movement in my ankle). 

Sometimes it's okay to fall down. Sometimes it's okay to take a hand and take some help. Sometimes it's okay to cry. And sometimes it's okay to not be okay. But it's never okay to not stand back up.