I felt Jesus.

This week, I have been overwhelmed by love. Love from God. Love from my family. Love from my friends.

Last week was hard. It started Monday morning and it continued through Sunday. I just felt like one thing after another was attacking me. First, my health. Then, my relationships. Then, my own peace. I felt shaken. I felt uneasy. I felt like too many changes occurred in too short of a time. I hate change. I hate uneasiness. I hate not being in control.

In my moments of weakness, I began to feel a little sorry for myself. But the outpouring of love I received quickly reminded me that even the midst of a storm, I am so blessed.

During every trial this week, my family and friends held me up. I didn't have to cry one tear alone. Whether on the phone or in person, giving encouraging words, praying for me, or holding me close, everyone rallied around to make sure I knew I was loved and I was not alone.

Sometimes the reason we feel so alone is because we don't let anyone know when something is wrong. Sometimes we become so prideful that we can't possibly admit that we are flawed, emotional, and damaged people. We create a facade and work so diligently to uphold our image of perfection.

I'm not perfect. I'm scarred. I have bruises. I have uncertainty. I lack peace. I lack discipline. I lack so much. But what I lack, my Jesus makes up for. And while I am weak, He is strong. While I fail him daily, He never fails me. And I believe Jesus uses the people and things around us, as an extension of Him, to hold and comfort us. I know this because I felt it this past week.

I felt Jesus in my daddy's hug when I was having an autonomic crisis and sobbing uncontrollably.
I felt Jesus in the little girl from church who innocently asked what my tens unit was.
I felt Jesus in the hugs of my friends when I had tear filled eyes.
I felt Jesus in the friend who drove more than an hour to bring me chocolate and give me a hug.
I felt Jesus in the texts friends and family sent to let me know they were praying for me.
I felt Jesus in the celebration and baptism of my friend's decision to live for Christ.
I felt Jesus in the music at church that spoke to my heart.
I felt Jesus in the heart to heart I had with two sweet sisters in Christ.
I felt Jesus in the prayer we lifted up holding hands and shedding tears.
I felt Jesus in the invitation talk at church, where the topic was trials and I, of course, cried.
I felt Jesus in my mother's hospitality toward the dozen college students in her home.
I felt Jesus in the sunshine and breeze while sitting in the ravine.
I felt Jesus in the coming together of what I thought was a lost opportunity.
I felt Jesus in the friend who stands by me, no matter what the issue.
I felt Jesus in Bible study as we shared our struggles and our need for each other.
I felt Jesus in the Amen song at church.
I felt Jesus in the text messaged between me and my fellow zebra.
I felt Jesus in the new friends who encouraged me with a lot of laughter.
I felt Jesus in the music on K-Love, while driving to school.
I felt Jesus in my time of personal prayer.
I felt Jesus in the encouragement of a friend discovering our loving Heavenly Father.
I felt Jesus in the sky, the trees, the beauty that surrounds me in this earth.
I felt Jesus in the things I so often take for granted.
I felt Jesus in people.
I felt Jesus in things.
I felt Jesus through His providential grace.
I felt Jesus because He knew I needed to.
I felt Jesus because I need Him.

Maybe I would feel Jesus more if I looked. If I was open to hearing what He is trying to tell me. This week, Jesus allowed me to be broken so that I could be made whole again. He allowed me to be poured out - all the worry, pain, and struggle - so that I could be filled with Him. While I still may not understand why everything happens the way it does, I know He does. While what I want may not happen, God uses these times to remind me that His plans are so much better than anything I could ever imagine for myself. All I need is faith.

For the friends and family who showed me Jesus this week, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I could never explain how much I needed you and how you all helped me, perfectly, in your own way, and at the right time. I love you all and I feel so blessed to have such an amazing support system. I know I have incredible people in my life when others start pointing out how awesome it is that so many people care for me. When it comes to love, I am certainly not lacking.

I am full today. Full of love. Full of joy. Full of God's amazing grace. 

And though my health may fail...

When it rains, it pours. I don't think that statement has ever been truer than it was a few hours ago. 

Sometimes when I finish an antibiotic, I get sick immediately after with the same symptoms.

Sometimes my "bad knee" (or should I say my worse knee) acts up, causing discomfort. 

Sometimes this one place on my back hurts, despite the constant medication, tens unit, hip brace, heat, pain patches, and rest. This creates severely limited mobility, due to the terrible pulling feeling and all the medical equipment I pile on to help it. 

Sometimes my stomach hurts badly and I writhe in pain. 

Sometimes my headaches are so bad, I feel as though my head with implode. 

Sometimes I wake up in pain, crying, and praying to just make it to the end of the day. 

Sometimes I send "pray for me" texts to my friends, just because I need to know I have a little extra help that day. 

Sometimes I have to crawl back into bed and cancel my day. 

Sometimes people just don't understand. 

All of those sometimes are today. 

While I am quite used to pain, discomfort, and dislocations, I am not used to feeling so low. I'm always happy, I keep a smile on my face. But sometimes, I just can't do it. Today I can't. Today, I am a lot slower and a little less happy. Today, I feel down. Today, I need some extra prayer.

I'm not a sad person. I'm constantly told how strong I am and that I don't feel sorry for myself. But sometimes I do. Sometimes I just need someone to hold my hand and tell be that it will be okay. I need someone to assure me that the world will wait on me and time will stand still until I'm better. But they can't, because it won't. 

So today, I lay in bed, knowing the world is going on without me. Knowing that tomorrow, I will have a lot to do to catch up. But today, the quiz can wait. The presentation can wait. The paper can wait. Hanging out with friends can wait. Today, I will relax and try to get my body back into a functioning state. Today, I will have peace, knowing that tomorrow will come and it will be better. 

People say my blog posts are sad. And maybe they're right. Maybe I need to try to share the happy stuff too. But when I am sad and feeling sorry for myself, this is my way out, this is how I deal with it. This where I release the emotion, the tears, and the pain. This is where I can find some peace. And while those who read my blog can't possibly understand, they can still pray. So what I ask is that you pray for some pain relief. Pray for me to have peace of mind. Pray for tomorrow to be better. 

Where I'm from

Where I'm from poetry has become the latest fad in high school class rooms across America. Seeing these poems made me want to attempt to write one. So here goes.

I'm from Kentucky

where the fields are full of cows 

and driving behind tractors is an every day occurrence.

I'm from hospitals 

where medical tests and conditions are both labeled with letters.

I'm from volleyball 

where team work is crucial 

and culottes are the standard dress.

I'm from convention

where your clavicle is covered 

and you abide by the six inch rule.

I'm from Barbie dolls

where you can be who you want to be while wearing 100 pairs of shoes.

I'm from homeschooling

where parents are overprotective, 

social skills are low, 

and self motivation is high.

I'm from heart conditions 

where red is the color proudly worn.

I'm from giraffes 

where being awkward is okay 

and learning to walk just takes a little longer.

I'm from EKU 

where Daniel Boone stands tall 

and everyone knows the power of maroon

I'm from church 

where the youth group are your best friends, 

potluck dinners are a delicacy, 

and vacation bible school is the highlight of your summer.

I'm from kitty cats 

where having 13 kittens at once doesn't make you a crazy cat lady 

and squeezing them too hard results in terrible consequences.

I'm from astronomy

where you know the difference between a constellation and an asterism 

and journal about it with your daddy.

I'm from adventure 

where road trips are often 

and you never know what's coming next.

I'm from zebras

where stripes are invisible, 

but scars are not.

I'm from 4-H 

where Jabez is home 

and everyone bleeds green.

I'm from sisterhood 

where only she understands your parents like you do, 

late night talks are mostly about boys,

and making chocolate milk happens in your mouth.

I'm from a selfless mama 

where late night projects are her specialty 

and driving across the state occurs weekly.

I'm from a sweet daddy

where cats are the funniest thing on earth,

cheering you up when you're crying is done by telling corny jokes, 

and an obscure, new hobby pops up annually.

I'm from a funny brother-in-love

where I have my own personal hitman 

and everyone laughs at biscuits and mustard.

I'm from friendship 

where secrets are shared, 

jokes are made, 

and you always have a shoulder to cry on.

I'm from Jesus 

where sins are forgotten 

and love is unconditional.

I'm from everywhere

where experiences make you who you are

and there is no one you would rather be.

And she had learned...

I have been 20 for one full week now. Each year, I expect to feel an overwhelming difference between the age I once was (five minutes ago) and the age I currently am (my old age plus five minutes). Each year, I am slightly disappointed when I realize that nothing has changed... or so it seems. That's the strange thing about time: day to day nothing seems to change, but when you look back, everythibg is different. So as I reflect on my 19th year of life, three major themes come to mind...

She was stronger thn she ever imagined.

I am a strong person. I know this. I believe this. Now, at least. When you're walking through a trial, you don't realize the strength you need or have to get through it. Once it is over and you reflect to what once was, you realize the incredible battles you faced, the feats you won, and the confidence you gained in the process. Never for a minute would I believe that I did it alone. God gave me the strength and the will to push through whatever I faced. My family and friends provided shoulders to lean on and a hand to hold when I didn't think I could do it alone. I could never do it alone. 

In the past year, I've had many "adventures" as mom and I like to call them. I started my second, third, and fourth semesters of college. I got a job. I made new friends. I joined clubs. I was in the homecoming court. I went to Baltimore, Hershey, and New York. I experienced heart break. I was in a car accident. I had dozens of medical tests. I fell. I got up. I cried. I laughed. I grew. I became strong.

Jesus was closer than she ever realized. 

I wish I would have always known how close Jesus was to me and my situation. I now know that Jesus has his hands in every situation. When I pray, I often use that same wording: that God will place His hands on the person or situation, make His presences known, and send His angels for protection. I believe He hears me and I believe He does. God is here. He listens. He cares. He does. He isn't a God who sits, watching our lives like a movie, but instead, has an active role in orchestrating them. I have found that just as the Bible says, when I seek God with all my heart, I WILL find Him. I just wish I knew He was waiting for me. I'm thankful that no matter what happened, God has always been there with outstretched arm, waiting with a hug for me. 

She was loved more than she ever knew. 

Never have I experienced a larger outpouring of love than this year through the many tests and trials I have exereinced. Every prayer, kind word, and hug means more than I could ever tell you. There is power in the phrase "I'm praying for you." There is love in a (gentle) hug or pat on the arm. There is comfort in the question "How are you...really?" 

I love little acts of kindness and I witnessed SO many this year and especially throughout my birthday celebrations. I am amazed at how many people took time to say/sing happy birthday, give me a hug, give me a gift, or let me know what I mean to them. Life is far too short to not tell people how wonderful they are. While I may not be able to tell every single person right away, I am going to start trying. Because with the amount of love I receive on a daily basis, I never want anyone to doubt how I feel about them. 

19 was a good year. A great year. A fun year. Although trials occured, they always do, I made it. I made it to 20. I am one year further into my crazy life's journey and I couldn't be more thrilled with how this year started. I can't wait to see what adventures are in store throughout the next 51 weeks. 

Why are you so fearful?

This past Sunday at church, my preacher preached a sermon titled, "Why are you so fearful?" The sermon used the story in the Bible when Jesus calmed the storm. In this story, Jesus and his disciples are out at sea, Jesus falls asleep in the boat, and a storm begins raging around them. The disciples woke up Jesus in a panic, asking Him to help. Jesus answered them with a question, "Why are you fearful, oh you of little faith?" 

The disciples were scared. Despite having Jesus, their Lord and savior, I'm the boat with them, they feared they would die. Sometimes as a Christian, I act the same way. I say I trust Jesus, I believe he came save me from any situation, and yet I am never completely without fear. 

Everybody has that one thing they can't quite let go of. No matter how many times we pray about it, asking God to take control and help us, we stil don't let go. We can't surrender to God in word only. 

As I was pondering these thoughts and the sermon, this thought suddenly came to mind and I firmly believe God put it there in His awesome timing: "Stacie, why are you so fearful? Are you afraid the plans that I, The Lord, have made for you are not enough?" Instantly tears filled my eyes and I knew why I act in fear, instead of faith. 

Somehow I can't let go. Somehow I have told myself that my plans are better. I've acres as if God's amazing will is not enough. How could the one who created me not know what's best? 

When I realized this, my tough situation didn't seem so bad. It seemed like part of the plan, a piece of the puzzle, a tiny speck in the scheme of eternity. So that is how I must view it. That is how I must live my life. 

If asked, most Christians would say that they trust God to save their soul and take them to Heaven someday. Most Christians live this. They aren't constantly worrying about whether or not they will be in Heaven, or whether or not God will forgive them of that day's sins. He already has. He already died. He already forgave. He already saved. We know this. 

But when asked about the situation at work, the new relationship, the fight with a friend, the big test coming up... How many Christians live out their faith then? 

Every plan we don't give to God, every fear we hold on to, every portion of our life we don't intrust to our Heavenly Father is a portion of faith we can never experience. 

I trust God to save my soul. I trust God to take me to Heaven. I want to trust God with my today. 

Is God enough? Why are you so fearful? 

If we trust God with our eternity, we have to trust Him with our now. 

Lessons for the new year: cliche, I know.

As I look back on 2013, I am overcome with emotions, memories, smiles, and tears. I realize what all I have been through and how much I have left to go. I'm excited for the future and to see what God has in store for me. So as I think back on this year, many lessons come to mind. Things I have learned this year that I want to always remember.

1.) It's okay to not be okay.

It's alright to admit you need help, to not be strong enough, to need to cry. This year had a few low moments. Yes, it made me sad, tore me down, and made me feel weak. But when I am weak, God is strong. As long as I trust in Him, everything will be okay. Even the darkest nights end in sunrise.

2.) Just make a decision.

I am the most indecisive person I know. If somebody asks where I want to eat lunch, it usually results in a ten minute debate with myself. But there is no reason to agonize over day to day decisions that have little affect on my life. So just pick. Make a decision. Say what you want. And for those bigger decision: think, pray, and then decide. Because sooner or later you will learn if it was the right decision or not.

3.) Accept that people come and go.

Along with my lack of decisiveness, I have never been good with change. I've always been afraid of what will happen and what if I don't like the future as much as I like the now. But it only gets better. People come in and out of life to teach us lessons, help us through difficult times, be a friend, and help us progress to the next point in life. But they can't stay forever and that's okay. It's crucial to understand that you have few forever friends and many friends who are here for a reason or season.

4.) Love people. 

Even though everyone won't always be in your life, love and embrace them as if they are the most important person in your life. Everybody needs kindness and love and you are the person who could show them that. Be Jesus to everyone-you may be the only Bible someone ever reads. 

5.) Know what you believe.

Stand firm in your faith. Don't give in. Don't back down. Be open to new ideas, but do not let any change who you are or what you stand for.  The world will present you with a million different lies and you must be intelligent enough to separate them from the truth. Know who you are and embrace that person. And when you aren't sure who you are, let God help you find the way.

6.) God says no. 

God's thoughts are higher than ours and His ways are better than ours. His plan is far more glorious than anything we could ever dream for ourselves. So trust in HIM. Know that His 'no' is just a redirection to where you need to be. Don't get discouraged if you hear no more often than yes. Know that God doesn't take away without providing that something that you do need.

7.) Love your life. 

And take nothing for granted. You have ONE life. ONE. So love what you do! If you love to travel, do it. If you love school, then study and learn. If you're a mom, be the best one you can be. Whatever you do, whatever you are, do your best and be your best. Life is too short to not love what you're doing or who you are. So if you don't love it, change it.

8.) Live your life.

I do two things: I live and I try to stay alive. Believe me, there is a huge difference. Every medication, brace, taping, physical therapy session, doctors visit, and medical procedure are ways I spend my time trying to stay alive. But every friendship, laugh, smile, tear, fun night, and piece of chocolate are ways I spend my time living. I understand the difference. I know I need both. But sometimes I have to choose living over staying alive. I have to choose the experiences and the memories over the extra year of life. I have to remember that a life spent trying to stay alive is not necessarily a life worth living.

9.) Stand up.

There will be set backs. You will get sick. You will make a bad grade. Your friend will get mad at you. You will be late for work. Someone will break your heart. You will have surgery. You will cry in pain. You will ask God why. Get up and move on. It's not to say you won't fall down again; you will fall many times. But if you never get up, if you never move, you will never know the beauty of standing tall.

10.) Trust God. 

He knows. He cares. He has a plan. He sees the complete picture while you agonize and obsess over one piece of the puzzle. Pray often. Sing to God, give Him praise. Don't always pray to complain and request, but to offer gratitude and adoration. God is good, all the time. Don't be so focused on yourself that you can't see and appreciate is unconditional love and unending grace and mercy.

Life isn't easy. But an elderly man at my church told me that each stage of life has been better than the one before. There will be hard times. There will be sadness. But there will also be so much joy and happiness. Focus on that. Live for that. Set goals. Make mistakes. Cry. Laugh. Dream. This is your opportunity, your new year, your life.

      

The sickest people are the happiest people

Recently at church, we discussed how your physical health affects your spiritual well being. I sat quietly, unable to say much about being healthy, or even knowing what it feels like. While others spoke about how they think your physical health affects your spiritual health, I took in all they were saying and began questioning everything I have ever told myself. Some things said were:

When you're healthy, your mind is less worried and more able to focus on spiritual matters.
When you feel better physically, that shows in all areas of your life.
When you're healthy, you have an easier time being thankful and happy. 

As I heard each one, I cringed for a second, shaking my head, wondering if people ever think of those of us who aren't so healthy in the room. But then I reminded myself that often times I don't think of those who are healthy in the room. I then decided to try to not be so sensitive to what was being said, but instead, use these statements as a time to question my own faith. 

When you're healthy, your mind is less worried and more able to focus on spiritual matters. 

This is probably true. How many hours, dollars, tears, and sleepless nights have been spent on my medical conditions. How many hospitals have my parents driven (or flown) me to? How many times have I cried out in anger or despair to God for what I'm struggling with? How many prayers have been sent up on my behalf? You know what, a lot of worry DOES go into my conditions, but so does A LOT of prayer. 

Just last night, I became very ill - mom almost took me to the ER. Within minutes of posting a prayer request on FaceBook, we had countless people sending up prayers on my behalf. Every time I am sick, have a bad day, hurt something else, discover a new ache or pain, or am sad because I'm sick, I pray to God. I seek His comfort. I seek His will. So maybe I do worry, but these conditions strengthen my faith, they teach me to wait on God, they make me trust in Him, and they make me want to be an over comer. I believe I am probably one of the most prayed for sick people, thanks to my amazing Christian family.  

When you feel better physically, that shows in all areas of your life. 

Again, true. People who feel good about themselves shine with confidence. They look good, they feel good, and they want to share that with others. Because of their healthy confidence, they may develop a stronger confidence in their faith as well. I don't feel good physically. No matter what I do, I can't seem to help that a great deal, but I try to remember the other positive characteristics that I possess. No I can't run a mile, or even walk a mile. I can't play sports. I can barely even stand without hurting myself, but I can share my smile, my love, and my joy. I believe that when you have Christ, your inner peace and joy can shine through any struggle in life. 

When you're healthy, you have an easier time being thankful and happy. 

Possibly. But I know a lot of healthy people who aren't happy. I know a lot of healthy people who constantly complain and take life for granted. I know a lot of healthy people who can't appreciate the little things in life. I may not have perfect health, but I certainly have a lot to be thankful for. 

I may not have what others would consider and easy or happy life, but I almost always have a smile on my face. I think the more that I deal with these medical conditions, the easier I am to make happy. I understand why I can't take things for granted. Once minute I may be laughing with friends and the next I could be on the floor in a hysterical state due to my many medical problems. So when times are good, when I don't have pain, when I can smile and laugh, those are the times I love. Those are the times I cherish. Those are the moments for which I am incredibly thankful. 

I may not always be thankful for everything, but I am probably more thankful for the little things than most people are. I may not always be happy, but I always have Jesus and I always have joy. I've always considered myself to be a happy person and I don't think any person, any problem, or any condition could take that away from me. 

So maybe you healthy people have a few things on me. Maybe you can outrun me or outdo me in any physical activity, but I bet I can smile longer. So for me, I believe the sickest people can be the happiest people. Because I am happy, I am sick, and I have never known any different.