A story of surrender: my testimony

For the last few weeks in Bible study, we have discussed how write and share your testimony. For the first time, I shared my testimony with the group. It was so liberating to share my story, to let others in, and to open up about my relationship with Christ.

I have not blogged in almost a year, so I thought sharing my testimony would be a good way to restart.

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I have grown up in a Christian home, with two Christian parents, going church every Sunday and Wednesday, and praying before meals. I spent my summers at vacation Bible school, went to Christian camps, and I knew my Bible story books like the back of my hand. I’ve always known Christ so there wasn’t this big “ah-ha” moment like there is for many people who come to Christ as adults.

At the age of nine, I became very sensitive to right and wrong and was more aware of my own relationship with God. I wrestled with the decision to actually become a Christian because I thought I had to be perfect. I didn’t understand that the sacrifice had already been made and that I would be forgiven of all past sins as well as future sins. I thought I had to live a flawless life and that terrified me.

For four years I fought with myself over this matter. At every invitation and alter call I would be in tears because I knew better, but was too scared to do anything about it. One night, while at revival with my cousin at her church, the preacher looked right at us and said, “what about you girls, do you know the Lord?” We looked at each other and then nodded at him, unsure of what to do or say.

On the way home that night, I burst into tears telling my mom what had happened and that although I knew who God was, I didn’t know Jesus in the way that I needed to. We pulled over and prayed together, I called my daddy, and we turned around to meet at our church. I was baptized into Christ at 11:30 pm on August 23, 2007. For most people this is where their testimony ends, but for mine this is only the beginning.

Teenage years are just tough – no matter who you are. But fighting chronic medical conditions as a teenager adds another level of difficulty. I was struggling to keep up with my friends and wanted nothing more than to be normal. I still was very sensitive to right and wrong, which I believe was and is the holy spirit inside me. I wanted to please everyone, especially mom and dad, and most importantly, God.

As my high school years were coming to a close, I was dealing with a lot of changes. College decisions were looming above me, my health was failing, and I was dealing with relationships I didn’t know how to navigate. But through the stormy weather, my constant was God. I would go through phases where I felt closer to Him than at other times – like we all often do.

I’ve always been organized and a planner – I still am and it drives everyone around me insane. Every area of my life had to be planned, down to the most tiny detail. Looking back, I feel that maybe this was because the lack of control I had over my medical issues. I had to compensate for that by controlling the things I could. You know what they say, we plan and God laughs.

Despite my micromanaging and plan making, God would change things up. This made me feel as if I was constantly failing. I felt a lack of peace in my life, even in the presence of God. Although I was Christian, and gave Him my life, there were still come things I was holding back. Maybe it was a lack of trust or the idea of relinquishing control on the last piece of my life I was holding onto.

After many tries, God finally got through. He finally was able to show me how to truly surrender. One day, while at the hospital, I anxiously sat in the room with mom. We were waiting on the results of whatever tests I had that day and for whatever reason I was particularly uneasy. I decided to check my email while I waited and that’s when I saw the KLove verse of the day in my inbox.

The KLove verse of the day is something I have been a subscriber of for years. It comes into my inbox in the wee hours of the morning and it is a random verse each day. So on this particular day, that verse had been sitting there allllll day and by the grace of God, I opened it at this moment.

It read, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”

      Phil 1:6 (NLT)

I immediately began to cry and as I showed mom the verse, we just sat there and cried together. I truly felt that God had used that verse, that email, and that moment to remind me of His unfailing love. He was asking me to surrender my life, every last piece, to Him. It was almost as if He was whispering to my heart, “Stacie, it’s okay. Let go. Give it to me. What I have for you is far better than anything you could every dream of.”

And I did.

Little by little, because I’m still human, but I let it go. Surrender is a struggle, it’s one I wake up every day and choose to fight. Sometimes I mill over the same things again and again, until God reminds me to stop. I am reminded that I don’t need to pick back up what I have already laid at the feet of Jesus. I don’t have to be uneasy, afraid, or discouraged because Jesus is more than conqueror.

I’m still learning and I am still growing. Each day is an opportunity to commune with God, to lean on Him, to trust His will and way. My life isn’t perfect, but it is so much better with God than it could ever be without Him.

Since that day of surrender, I have found myself feeling happier, lighter, and unafraid. My life exists to glorify God and each fear, sickness, imperfection, and situation are an opportunity for God to shine. I have a joy I cannot possibly put into words. I’m not afraid of death, pain, or heart surgery because the one who holds my future holds my heart.

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P.S. I honestly can’t remember what my test results said that day. But I do know that it was okay. It always is.