Lessons for the new year: cliche, I know.

As I look back on 2013, I am overcome with emotions, memories, smiles, and tears. I realize what all I have been through and how much I have left to go. I'm excited for the future and to see what God has in store for me. So as I think back on this year, many lessons come to mind. Things I have learned this year that I want to always remember.

1.) It's okay to not be okay.

It's alright to admit you need help, to not be strong enough, to need to cry. This year had a few low moments. Yes, it made me sad, tore me down, and made me feel weak. But when I am weak, God is strong. As long as I trust in Him, everything will be okay. Even the darkest nights end in sunrise.

2.) Just make a decision.

I am the most indecisive person I know. If somebody asks where I want to eat lunch, it usually results in a ten minute debate with myself. But there is no reason to agonize over day to day decisions that have little affect on my life. So just pick. Make a decision. Say what you want. And for those bigger decision: think, pray, and then decide. Because sooner or later you will learn if it was the right decision or not.

3.) Accept that people come and go.

Along with my lack of decisiveness, I have never been good with change. I've always been afraid of what will happen and what if I don't like the future as much as I like the now. But it only gets better. People come in and out of life to teach us lessons, help us through difficult times, be a friend, and help us progress to the next point in life. But they can't stay forever and that's okay. It's crucial to understand that you have few forever friends and many friends who are here for a reason or season.

4.) Love people. 

Even though everyone won't always be in your life, love and embrace them as if they are the most important person in your life. Everybody needs kindness and love and you are the person who could show them that. Be Jesus to everyone-you may be the only Bible someone ever reads. 

5.) Know what you believe.

Stand firm in your faith. Don't give in. Don't back down. Be open to new ideas, but do not let any change who you are or what you stand for.  The world will present you with a million different lies and you must be intelligent enough to separate them from the truth. Know who you are and embrace that person. And when you aren't sure who you are, let God help you find the way.

6.) God says no. 

God's thoughts are higher than ours and His ways are better than ours. His plan is far more glorious than anything we could ever dream for ourselves. So trust in HIM. Know that His 'no' is just a redirection to where you need to be. Don't get discouraged if you hear no more often than yes. Know that God doesn't take away without providing that something that you do need.

7.) Love your life. 

And take nothing for granted. You have ONE life. ONE. So love what you do! If you love to travel, do it. If you love school, then study and learn. If you're a mom, be the best one you can be. Whatever you do, whatever you are, do your best and be your best. Life is too short to not love what you're doing or who you are. So if you don't love it, change it.

8.) Live your life.

I do two things: I live and I try to stay alive. Believe me, there is a huge difference. Every medication, brace, taping, physical therapy session, doctors visit, and medical procedure are ways I spend my time trying to stay alive. But every friendship, laugh, smile, tear, fun night, and piece of chocolate are ways I spend my time living. I understand the difference. I know I need both. But sometimes I have to choose living over staying alive. I have to choose the experiences and the memories over the extra year of life. I have to remember that a life spent trying to stay alive is not necessarily a life worth living.

9.) Stand up.

There will be set backs. You will get sick. You will make a bad grade. Your friend will get mad at you. You will be late for work. Someone will break your heart. You will have surgery. You will cry in pain. You will ask God why. Get up and move on. It's not to say you won't fall down again; you will fall many times. But if you never get up, if you never move, you will never know the beauty of standing tall.

10.) Trust God. 

He knows. He cares. He has a plan. He sees the complete picture while you agonize and obsess over one piece of the puzzle. Pray often. Sing to God, give Him praise. Don't always pray to complain and request, but to offer gratitude and adoration. God is good, all the time. Don't be so focused on yourself that you can't see and appreciate is unconditional love and unending grace and mercy.

Life isn't easy. But an elderly man at my church told me that each stage of life has been better than the one before. There will be hard times. There will be sadness. But there will also be so much joy and happiness. Focus on that. Live for that. Set goals. Make mistakes. Cry. Laugh. Dream. This is your opportunity, your new year, your life.

      

The sickest people are the happiest people

Recently at church, we discussed how your physical health affects your spiritual well being. I sat quietly, unable to say much about being healthy, or even knowing what it feels like. While others spoke about how they think your physical health affects your spiritual health, I took in all they were saying and began questioning everything I have ever told myself. Some things said were:

When you're healthy, your mind is less worried and more able to focus on spiritual matters.
When you feel better physically, that shows in all areas of your life.
When you're healthy, you have an easier time being thankful and happy. 

As I heard each one, I cringed for a second, shaking my head, wondering if people ever think of those of us who aren't so healthy in the room. But then I reminded myself that often times I don't think of those who are healthy in the room. I then decided to try to not be so sensitive to what was being said, but instead, use these statements as a time to question my own faith. 

When you're healthy, your mind is less worried and more able to focus on spiritual matters. 

This is probably true. How many hours, dollars, tears, and sleepless nights have been spent on my medical conditions. How many hospitals have my parents driven (or flown) me to? How many times have I cried out in anger or despair to God for what I'm struggling with? How many prayers have been sent up on my behalf? You know what, a lot of worry DOES go into my conditions, but so does A LOT of prayer. 

Just last night, I became very ill - mom almost took me to the ER. Within minutes of posting a prayer request on FaceBook, we had countless people sending up prayers on my behalf. Every time I am sick, have a bad day, hurt something else, discover a new ache or pain, or am sad because I'm sick, I pray to God. I seek His comfort. I seek His will. So maybe I do worry, but these conditions strengthen my faith, they teach me to wait on God, they make me trust in Him, and they make me want to be an over comer. I believe I am probably one of the most prayed for sick people, thanks to my amazing Christian family.  

When you feel better physically, that shows in all areas of your life. 

Again, true. People who feel good about themselves shine with confidence. They look good, they feel good, and they want to share that with others. Because of their healthy confidence, they may develop a stronger confidence in their faith as well. I don't feel good physically. No matter what I do, I can't seem to help that a great deal, but I try to remember the other positive characteristics that I possess. No I can't run a mile, or even walk a mile. I can't play sports. I can barely even stand without hurting myself, but I can share my smile, my love, and my joy. I believe that when you have Christ, your inner peace and joy can shine through any struggle in life. 

When you're healthy, you have an easier time being thankful and happy. 

Possibly. But I know a lot of healthy people who aren't happy. I know a lot of healthy people who constantly complain and take life for granted. I know a lot of healthy people who can't appreciate the little things in life. I may not have perfect health, but I certainly have a lot to be thankful for. 

I may not have what others would consider and easy or happy life, but I almost always have a smile on my face. I think the more that I deal with these medical conditions, the easier I am to make happy. I understand why I can't take things for granted. Once minute I may be laughing with friends and the next I could be on the floor in a hysterical state due to my many medical problems. So when times are good, when I don't have pain, when I can smile and laugh, those are the times I love. Those are the times I cherish. Those are the moments for which I am incredibly thankful. 

I may not always be thankful for everything, but I am probably more thankful for the little things than most people are. I may not always be happy, but I always have Jesus and I always have joy. I've always considered myself to be a happy person and I don't think any person, any problem, or any condition could take that away from me. 

So maybe you healthy people have a few things on me. Maybe you can outrun me or outdo me in any physical activity, but I bet I can smile longer. So for me, I believe the sickest people can be the happiest people. Because I am happy, I am sick, and I have never known any different. 

Forgiven and loved

Six years ago at this time, I was riding in a car with tears streaming down my face. Prayers were said, phone calls were made, and a decision was reached. This was the night that I gave my life to Jesus and joined the wonderful family of God.

Growing up in a Christian home, I think most things were easier when it came to learning about God. I always knew where the books of the Bible were from having "Bible drills." I sang an abundance of VBS songs, which I later learned the meanings to. I could tell you all about the stories in the Bible, including my favorite: Baalam and his talking donkey. But despite my elementary Biblical knowledge, the songs I knew, and my hundreds of Sundays in church, something was still missing.

No matter how many Bible verses you memorize, stories you tell, or songs you sing, it's all in vain without the understanding that you're a sinner in desperate need of a savior. This isn't something you realize right away; it takes some growing, some learning, and some serious consideration. It wasn't until a revival church service when a preacher asked if I was saved that I realized that maybe I wasn't.

As tears brimmed my eyes on the car ride home, mom began asking me questions about that night at church, what the preacher said, and what I thought about it. As a thirteen year old, I knew what was right and wrong, but somehow I kept wasting opportunities to give in to God's amazing grace. Looking back, I think I was afraid that I had to be perfect. Perfection is still something that I have yet to achieve.

Finally my mom asked me, "If you died tonight, would you go to Heaven?" At that moment, I whispered that I wasn't sure and began to cry. Once I came to this realization, I called my daddy and we all prayed together. Finally, my decision was made.

Everybody made their way to the church, including my Grandad. I firmly believe that my Grandma was somehow, some way, looking down on me too, smiling with joy and sending hugs through other people.While we waited for my daddy to arrive, we sang some of my favorite hymns. Per Grandad's request, "Coming Home" was sung. Although I look back on my baptism and giggle because we sang a "funeral song," I also am happy because that was for Grandad, and probably Grandma too.

Once Daddy, Stephanie, and Charles, who got in trouble for leaving work, arrived, it was time for my baptism. So around 11:30 pm on August 23, 2007, I was baptized by my daddy into God's family. As I was lifted out of the cold water, I felt the weight of sin, worry, and guilt fall away. Everyone gathered around for hugs and a prayer and I left the church feeling whole, new, and forgiven.

Fast forward six years: I am still nowhere near perfect, but I strive to grow closer to God every day. My relationship with God started with the fear of hell. What started as fear has grown to love. Of course, hell is still a fearful thing, but that isn't the only reason I follow God anymore. I follow Him because He loves me, gave His Son for me, understands that I will constantly mess up and fail Him, and yet still provides me with Him unfailing love and unending grace. For that I am forever indebted and forever thankful.

I have been through a lot in the last six years. I finished middle school, started and finished high school, and started college. I have been through tough situations and temptations with friends. I have laughed and I have cried over the crazy trials of this life. My health has gone up and down, along with my emotions, over and over and over again. But despite this crazy life, my countless flaws, and the constant struggle that comes with being human, God has never once left my side.

Jesus holds my hand and walks with me every single day. When I push Him away, He holds me closer. When I fail Him, He holds out His hand to life me back up. When I cry out His name, in pain from this life, He listens and responds no matter how silly the need. I could not be where I am or who I am without God. I am amazed every day by His patience with me as I navigate life and strive to find my place in this world. But one thing is for certain, no matter where I go or what I do, if I am running towards Jesus, I will always find happiness, peace, and rest.

Your love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me. 

What I can before I can't.

As I reflect back on this last week, I realize several things:

1.) I am insane for staying as busy as I do.
2.) I am really excited for school and my new job.
3.) I am extremely grateful for all the opportunities that I have been given.
4.) I am thankful for each and every friend and family member who support me in various ways.
5.) I AM TIRED.

As a young woman with medical issues and the desire to go, go, go, I sometimes have trouble balancing life. I want to be a normal college student. I want to have fun, hang out with friends, eat weird foods, and not require a normal amount of sleep. But I need to be a little abnormal. I need to have fun of course, but I also need consistency in my life with sleep, eating, and how much I do in one day. I can't give away all my spoons at once. (http://stacieelainelawrence.blogspot.com/2012/11/how-do-you-use-your-spoons.html) So clearly most often what I want and what I need are two very different things.

Sometimes I feel sick when I overdo it, but sometimes I feel lame sitting at home in my pajamas on a Friday night when I could have been out with friends. Sometimes, like today, my body aches from the constant activity, but sometimes I feel nothing because I did nothing. While I have to be considerate of what my body needs and how much it can handle, I have come to the conclusion that I want to do what I want while I can before I can't anymore. I want to go, run, laugh, eat, jump, and smile while I am able before I am unable to do the things that I enjoy so much.

Perhaps this is why I have loved to be busy from the time I was a child. All through my years in school, mom drove me all over the city, county, state, and sometimes country to do the things I desired to participate in. I have been to Jabez, KY I don't know how many times in my 4-H career. I have been to Florida and California to vacation. I have gone out of state for youth events with my church. I have even invaded my friend's vacations for more to do. And when I couldn't be traveling the country, I traveled Richmond like crazy. Once I got my license, I was never home. My parents still sometimes claim that the only time I am home is when I am sleeping. I'm off making memories every second I get.

Maybe I just knew, deep down, at an early age that I couldn't always be able to. Maybe I knew that someday my 'cans' would run out and my 'cant's' would grow larger and larger. Maybe I knew that I needed to live it up while I'm young and agile and not waste a precious moment of energy or desire. Whatever the reason, I am glad that I didn't just sit idly and watch the world pass me by.

When I am old and unable to move without pain, I don't want to regret not doing anything. Because more often than not, you regret the things you didn't do more than the things that you did. When I am old, I want to look at the giggling children and smile, because I once giggled with my friends too. When I see the crazy middle schoolers running from each other or standing outside the movie theater taking silly faced selfies, I want to laugh because I took a few (hundred) myself. When I see a teen driver behind the wheel with the music up loud, I want to sing because I remember those nights with the windows rolled down and the music up loud. When I see college students experiencing life for the first time and having fun like they never have before, I want to think back to these years with fondness.

So while I must make intelligent decisions for my health's sake, I know I must always make intelligent decisions for fun's sake, for memory making, and to fulfill my wondering and 'what if...' For tonight, I will take my medicine, apply heat to my shoulder, and curl up in bed, hoping to fall asleep with ease. But when tomorrow comes, I will assess the today and decide what memories to make and how I want to spend the days of 'cans'.

Cans don't last forever. So cherish them, use them, and remember them. 

Just keep swimming...

Last week, I hung out in a pool with some girlfriends. Typically, I am very lazy when I "swim" and only stand around and talk or maybe wade around a little bit. This time, I decided to try to be a little more active.

My sister and a friend climbed out of the pool so they could run and jump in. "I'm coming too!" I said pulling myself up out of the pool. I ran, I jumped, and swam back to the surface. I then felt a pulling in my leg and realized that I had dislocated my hip. I tried to swim it off, but it ached for several minutes.

After recovering from the dislocation, I decided to do a handstand in the water. I held my breath, went under, and pushed myself up into a handstand. It was going well, until I lost my balance and flipped over. Anytime I am upside down or flip suddenly, my heart palpitates and I become disoriented; this was no exception.

After this, I decided to take it easy for awhile. I swam around a little, talked with friends, and just enjoyed the weightlessness and pain free feeling I have when my body is submerged in water.

Then we decided we just had to create a wave pool. So we began jumping up and down in the water, splashing, having fun, and making huge waves. But after a few big jumps, my bad knee decided that it had had enough  It quickly gave out, popped, and the pain hit.

After this, I decided I just can't do anything fun... but not really. I just realized that I have to take it easy. I have to think of my bad knee, my dislocating hips, and my frail heart. I have to realize that I can't do what everybody else can. I have to know when to stop, when to rest, and when I have had enough. I'm getting there...slowly.

But whatever currently ails me, I know I have to keep pressing forward. Whether that is running, walking, crawling, or from a wheelchair, I'll keep on moving.

"When life get's you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..."

Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.

I fall a lot. All the time. Almost daily. Thankfully, I'm always able to get up. Usually it's by crossing my feet, putting my hands on the ground by my sides, and firmly pushing up until I'm standing again. Other times it's by grabbing the nearest piece of furniture that is sturdy enough to pull on. And then there are times when the only way that I can stand is by allowing someone to offer a hand and pull me to my feet.

A few weeks ago, I had the joy of volunteering with Madison County 4-H Camp as an adult counselor. This was my seventh year attending camp and my second year as an adult volunteer. I know the routine of camp well and I enjoyed every moment. 

Of course with my medical issues, camp was very interesting. I visited the health care provider on site four times a day for medication. (I tied for 'most medications' with 10 different prescriptions.) The HCP and I were on a first name basis by the end of day one. Barbara was great and even gave me a hot pack when my shoulder pain became too much to bear. 

Luckily, I have grown up with our wonderful 4-H agents and they know me and my medical conditions very well. They gave me a job at camp where I could be inside the only air conditioned building and have a little extra time to rest in the afternoons. I also had some great friends at my side through camp who understood what I could do and helped me with the things I couldn't. My mom was also there which of course helps anybody to feel better-knowing their mommy is nearby. 

The camp week was great thanks to all these amazing individuals and the girls in my cabin, who were so much fun! Despite my usual aches and pains, I made it through the week only a little sleep deprived and extremely exhausted. 

Things were great, but on the last night, I had a fall. I was returning to my cabin after taking a shower and grabbing a snack in our counselor lounge. Due to my own issues and some poorly lit stairs, I fell. Hard. I missed the bottom step, when I landed my ankle gave out and I found myself standing on the outside of my ankle. Then I heard a pop from my bad knee as I hit the pavement. All of this happened in about a second and a half, but it plays in slow motion over and over again in my mind.

Luckily two of those people who know me well were with me when it happened. They were at my side immediately, sitting on the ground with me somehow knowing just what to do. The other people around went into a panic, rattling off medications, bandaids, ice, and people they could get to help. "I'm fine," I muttered through tear filled eyes. Crying because of the physical pain and hoping nothing was sprained, but also because it was at that moment that I again realized, I'm not like everybody else. 

My 4-H agent while kneeling beside me asked where my knee brace was and then told me I wasn't allowed to cry because he would too. (He also admitted that my blog sometimes makes him cry too. Sorry!) This made me laugh a little, but for whatever reason I still couldn't stop crying.

One of my best friends, also sitting beside me, sat silently, but I knew he was there and that was all I needed. I don't think I have ever seen anyone appear at my side so quickly and make their presence known without saying much at all. 

After wiggling my ankle and knee, I put out my hands and was helped to my feet. I was trying to make a quick escape to avoid the strangers around me seeing me cry, but my friend wouldn't let me leave without a hug, which only produced more tears. I hobbled back to my cabin, tears flowing freely. Thankfully my cabin was asleep, except mom who immediately  had a supposed-to-be-an-adult, crying Stacie in her arms. 

Yes, it was just a fall. I trip constantly, but I usually catch myself. I fall down, but it doesn't hurt so much. I laugh it off, but this time it was just different. I lost a little pride (and some movement in my ankle). 

Sometimes it's okay to fall down. Sometimes it's okay to take a hand and take some help. Sometimes it's okay to cry. And sometimes it's okay to not be okay. But it's never okay to not stand back up. 

A Swan I will be.

Wow, am I thankful to be home! Kentucky has never looked so beautiful, smelled so amazing, and felt so right. I have learned from this trip that I am a Kentucky girl, through and through. More about that later though; I have so many adventures to share.

For now, I want to share the reasons we were there, my health, my "unique" conditions, and finding help for them. We saw five specialists while we were there, had two tests done, and 10 tubes of blood drawn! Since most of you don't know and/or don't care about fancy medical words and names of conditions, I will try to keep this as relate-able and readable as possible.

Our first appointment was on Monday morning with Orthopedics. Orthopedics deals with skeletal, muscular, and joint correction, repair, and stabilization. 

Backstory: Recently, we visited Physiatry  at UK. (Physiatry is basically Orthopedics mixed with Physical Therapy.) The Physiatrist recommended ankle supports, a belt like brace for hip and back  stabilization, continuing to wear my knee brace, and continued physical therapy.

So at the Orthopedist's office, we discussed all my various pains, dislocations, braces, and pain treatment. He fully agreed with the Physiatrist's recommendations. Meaning: we FINALLY found somebody in state who seems to know what they are talking about! At Johns Hopkins, it is rare to find a doctor who doesn't know what a connective tissue disorder is. In Kentucky, it is rare to find one who does know what it is. So it is a relief to know that we have found a good doctor to help manage my pain and stabilization.

So the treatment plan for me is: new ankle supports, (these will be super cute and actually wrap around my entire ankle - woot!) an SI belt, which is the belt/brace for my hips and back, and continuing with my other current treatments. I'm actually happy with this plan. It is something new and hopefully helpful, but not so much information that it is overwhelming.

Our second appointment was to have an echocardiogram (ultrasound of the heart). This examines the blood flow in my heart and also measures my aneurysm to see how it has grown. Since it was my first echocardiogram at Johns Hopkins, they did a full 45 minute test. It went well and we got the results the next day. The aneurysm is still the same at 4.2 centimeters and my valve is still pumping well and only has 'trivial' leakage.

Our third appointment was with a Gastroenterologist. (Stomach doctor.) This was to address all of my stomach issues. (I'll spare you the details.) This doctor was very nice and quite funny. He listened to all of my problems, carefully considered all possibilities and then made some recommendations. He suggested that I have another colonoscopy and endoscopy. What fun! He also recommends that I begin taking a medication to help with my nausea and over all stomach motility. Hopefully this will help to reduce pain, nausea, and all my other stomach related issues!

Our fourth event at the hospital was a Cardiology and Genetics appointment. This is where we got to meet Dr. Hal Dietz, co discoverer of the Loeys-Dietz syndrome, a connective tissue disorder.(You know you have a lot of health issues when you get excited about meeting a 'famous' doctor.) Both Dr. Dietz and the geneticist were very helpful and genuinely seemed like they wanted to help me. We spent 3 hours in the office, not because we had to wait that long, but because we were talking with a doctor for that long.

Through our discussion with the doctor, we learned that previous hospitals did not fully complete the genetic testing. Basically, if the first step comes back with a certain result, they don't continue on. Even though some things could be missed later in the testing, like possibly a diagnosis, they stopped. Johns Hopkins wants to redo the testing, so hopefully they will complete it in it's entirety.

With that news and the fact that I don't exhibit classic symptoms of any connective tissue disorder, I am now a SWAN. (Syndrome without a name) But the doctor assured me that this is not a bad thing. He said it is better to not have a diagnosis than to be misdiagnosed and treated for something I do not have. So a Swan, I will be.

Dr. Dietz wanted to do some neck x-rays just to completely rule out one disorder. Although I impressed the x-ray tech with how 'bendy' I was, they were normal. The doctor says this is a good thing.

Along with these things, the doctors have decided to double my heart medication dosage. They said that taking a higher dosage should not cause any complications and will hopefully keep my aneurysm from growing. In mice with marfans, (a specific connective tissue disorder) the medication even helped shrink the aneurysm and remodel the aorta, making it less defective and prone to aneurysms. I do not have marfans, nor am I a mouse, but I guess there is still a little hope.

Finally, my favorite thing the doctor had to say... I told the doctors that I just want to have surgery so that I can "be fixed". Dr. Dietz looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Don't think of it in a way that you are broken. You are not broken." He explained that even though my genes and DNA ma be different, they still work. Although I may sometimes be labeled defective, I am not broken. I know he meant it in a physical sense, but it made me feel better about every aspect of my life. I imagine this is what God thinks of me too - I am not broken. 

Our final appointment was with an Allergist/Immunologist. She is the wife of the Gastroenterologist that I saw earlier in the week - how cool! We explained to this doctor about my chronic "sinus infections", cough, and other allergy issues that just never seem to go away completely. Each time I get sick, I am diagnosed with a sinus infection, put on an antibiotic, and then never seem to completely get better. It is almost as if with each sickness I have, I lose a little piece of my health that I never fully gain back.

After a long talk with the doctor, she recommended a more regular use of some allergy medications and the continued use of one that I am already taking. She also said that maybe I have never recovered fully from a sinus infection. We already knew that my immune system was pretty much non-existent, but we didn't know just how long I should be taking antibiotics. She said next time I get sick, she recommends a 3 MONTH antibiotic treatment plan. She said this could get everything cleared out and functioning better and hopefully make a big difference in the way I feel when it is over. Next time I am sick, the doctor also wants a CT scan of my sinuses to see if there are any other issues going on.

Final stop at Johns Hopkins was for blood work - ten tubes taken in total!

Overall, I am very happy with this visit. The doctors were kind, they listened, they acted like they really want to help me, and they actually seemed to understand just how miserable I am on a daily basis. My spirits are up and I am excited to begin all of the various things that these doctors have suggested. New medications, new tests, new braces, and a new attitude. A regular exercise plan was recommended by every doctor to regulate and help pretty much every system in my body.

So I am determined to do what the doctors have suggested and hopefully start heading towards a better quality of life. Although not every question was answered, every prayer was answered. I have enough answers to help for now and to give me a place to move forward to. I am hopeful and I am happy.

Thank you so much to everyone who has prayed for me over these last few days, weeks, months, and years. I ask for your continued thoughts and prayers. What many don't realize is that this journey doesn't have a particular destination. It's a lot of trial and error. It's a learning process. It's about research. Even when I am officially diagnosed, there will always be new research and data to consider. So while I can't exactly have an end in sight, I have a goal that is further down the path, further into my journey, and further into finding comfort and peace. And I am learning daily to be happy with that.

Rosalee.

"Don’t forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it!"         

-Hebrews 13:2

I've always wondered if Angels live among us. As guardians, as protectors, as a smile, as a hug, or maybe as an invisible force. I don't know if this is quite what God meant by this verse, but today I believe that I met an angel.

Mom and I decided to go down to Inner Harbor today and do some sight seeing. By the time we got there, we were famished and decided to find a place to eat right away. I was excited when we saw The Cheesecake Factory since I have heard rave reviews of it, but have never been. The food was absolutely delicious. 

Towards the end of our meal, an elderly woman was seated next to us. She came in alone carrying an umbrella and book and wearing a typical elderly woman outfit including pale yellow polyester pants, a floral print top, and knee highs with sandals. 

I always feel sad when I see an older person eating alone. I thought of this when I saw her, but didn't think much else. A moment later, mom leans forward and whispers, "Do you feel compelled to talk to that woman?" I immediately felt shy, but told mom to go ahead if she wanted to.

After a few minutes, mom leaned toward the woman and said, "Are you from here?" The woman then began to speak with a soft voice that expressed years of joy and life. In the course of the conversation, I found out that this woman was a twin and the youngest of nine children. Now at 77, only her, her twin, and one other sister are still alive. She also told us of her various health problems and surgeries, one of which was an open heart surgery. Finally, I learned her name - Rosalee.

Mom told her that we were there to visit Johns Hopkins for medical treatment. I told her I have a heart condition, but didn't say much else. (Mostly because explaining anything else is too difficult.) I asked Rosalee about her surgery and she said it was a triple by pass. She told me of the steel rods she had placed in her both chest and leg and invited me to feel them both. Surprised that a stranger was asking me to feel her chest, I reached up and placed a finger near her collar bone and felt the rod. 

Rosalee said many times she has asked God why he was allowing her to stay here, but each time he showed her a reason. Like taking care of her family and visiting the sick. She said she will stay here as long He needs her to and then when He has no reason for her to be here, she wants to be with Him. 

I told Rosalee that I will have open heart surgery someday. She sweetly listening and smiled and then assured me God would bring me through because He has for her so many times. She then said she would pray for me. At this point, I am holding back tears and glance over at mom, who has let a few flow down her cheeks.

The check then came and it was time to go. Before I left Rosalee, I asked if I could give her a hug. She said of course. As I leaned over and embraced my 77 year old angel, it didn't feel strange or weird. It felt familiar, like hugging my Mamaw, or maybe as if God was hugging me by using Rosalee.

She then smiled at me and said, "It was worth coming here today, just to meet you." 

I'll never know why Rosalee came to a tourist location on a Father's Day during the lunch rush to eat alone. I'll never know why mom had the urge to talk to her. I'll never know if Rosalee is actually an angel who arrives when someone needs a kind word, a smile, or hug to make them feel a little better. But regardless of all of this, Rosalee was my angel today. She provided some peace and love when I am surrounded by chaos. 

When mom first spoke to Rosalee, I thought we were being kind to her, that we might be something she needed, but really I think she was sent by God to be the something that we needed. 

Listen to your gut. Smile. Be friendly. You never know how you can help another person or be helped by them. Maybe you can be somebody's angel. Or maybe your angel is sitting and waiting for you.

From 30,000 feet above

Here I sit, writing a blog post from 30,000 feet in the air. 

After the ascension of the plane, (and after mom finally let go of my hand) I was overcome with awe at what a wonderful world God has created. I'm also amazed by the intelligence God has given humans and the abilities we have to create new technologies. How else could I be looking out above the clouds right now? 

Although things are calm right now, they certainly weren't a few hours ago. Daddy drove us to Louisville at 4:30 am. We arrived at the airport and said a prayer together before going in. Dad waved us off, but stayed with us through text message directions. (It's as if he thought we didn't know what we were doing!) We made it through security, but I was stopped and searched because clearly I was hiding a knife or bomb in my knee brace. 

Once we made it to our gate, we discovered our flight had been delayed due to maintenance issues. Comforting right? The flight was then canceled three minutes later. After standing in line for fifteen minutes, witnessing some VERY rude people take their canceled flight out on the gate attendants, and calling a service number, we found a new flight. 

While most people would be upset about a canceled flight, I was ecstatic to find out that our new flight first would go to Detroit, meaning that I get to add a new state to my list! Mom and I have decided to look on the bright side this week because we are good friends with Murphy and know that what can go wrong will. 

So as for now, I will enjoy my flight and my time with my momma. I am at peace as I look out my window, take pictures of the beautiful clouds, and feel God's presence all around me. 

I'm not strong enough.

“I hear religious minded people say all the time with good intentions. ‘God will never place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it.’

Really?

My experience is that God will place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it alone. He will break your back and your will. He will buckle your legs until you fall flat beneath the crushing weight of your load. All the while He will walk beside you waiting for you to come to the point where you must depend on Him.

‘My power is made perfect in your weakness,’ He says, as we strain under our burden.
Whatever the burden, it might indeed get worse, but know this-God is faithful. And while we change and get old, He does not. When we get weaker, He remains strong. And in our weakness and humility, He offers us true, lasting, transforming, and undeserved grace.”

-Greg Lucas

When talking to people about my medical conditions, they often say to me:

"You're so strong."

"God wouldn't give you this if He knew you couldn't handle it."

"You handle this so well."

"God won't give you more than you can handle."

Excuse me? Then God must think I am Wonder Woman or someone with miraculous powers. I am just me, Stacie Lawrence, vulnerable, weak, and apparently misunderstood for being able to handle much more than I can. 

I'm not strong, but my God is. The only reason that I am able to face each day is because God faces it with me, holding my hand. The only reason I am at peace with my conditions, is because God has allowed me to be tested and experience some discomfort. The only reason that I am ready for heart surgery is because God is the great physician. The only reason that I am not scared of death is because I know God is waiting for me on the other side. He is my refuge. He is my peace. 

So as for this verse: 

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." -1 Corinthians 10:13

I take this to mean a temptation (sin), not a struggle or trial. God provides ways to escape temptations of sin, but I don't believe that an escape is always available for a struggle or trial. What escape do I have from my heart condition? What escape do I have from my connective tissue disorder? No, this is an ongoing battle, an uphill fight, something I must deal with each day. It is a part of my life, it is making me better, but no, I cannot handle it on my own. 

God has used my life and more specifically the last 5 years to work on my heart. He has shown me the struggle. He has broken me down. He has watched me fall apart and call out His name, waiting for me to surrender. And so I have. I have surrendered my body, my life, my circumstances, my will, and my all... to my Lord and Savior who can make all things new. To my God who will guide me in the right direction and protect my heart, physically and emotionally. 

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:10

If it is for His glory, I will gladly endure it. Not from my own strength, but from His. Because God knows that I am not strong enough on my own. 

I'm coming unglued.

"What is exactly is wrong with you.?

"Well... You know the glue that holds your body together? Mine doesn't work."

Typical question and answer with me. Sometimes this is just the easiest way to explain my illness and ailments. Most people are satisfied, but some inquiring minds want to know more. They want to know why, how, and what can I do to fix it.

I wish I knew; I guess God thought He made me well enough without glue.
Through genetic defect, most likely. (Thanks, mom and dad.)
Absolutely nothing. All I can do is treat my symptoms and hopefully keep myself from getting worse, but most likely, I won't be getting better.

So anyway, for you that care or want to learn something new, here is a slightly deeper explanation of one of my main issues, the connective tissue disorder. (We'll save the postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome for later. Learn to say it,  learn to spell it, then we'll talk.)

So my collagen (glue) is defective. Collagen is throughout our entire bodies, around muscles and joints, protecting them and keeping things bound together. Without this working properly, you  begin to fall apart (literally) from the inside out.

Lack of collagen makes you stretchy everywhere. Internal organs, muscles and joints, and even skin. Everything seems to be a little more elastic and you can bend and move far past the normal range.

For example:
My ankles can almost lay flat on the ground due to the lack of collagen and ligaments in them.
My elbows hyper extend backwards.
My aorta (largest heart artery) has an aneurysm, making it twice the size of a normal person's.
My skin tears, bruises, and bleeds easily and heals slowly.
My knees, hips, wrists, ankles, elbows, toes, etc. pop a lot and sometimes even move out of place.

I actually am falling apart or as my Grandad says, "coming unglued."

So what do we do to "fix" my problems?

We maintain current ability and stability. We train my body to stop hyper extending and moving past the norm with physical therapy. We wrap and support joints so they won't come out of place and move around, causing pain.

We treat the symptoms. If I have pain, I take medication, I ice, I heat, I wrap, I compress, I stretch, I wear a pain patch, I do exercises, I wear a tens unit, etc. Anything that reduces pain, even just a little, is worth a try.

We keep working towards answers. We don't give up and settle for the answers of "we don't know what is wrong and we can't help you. Because I believe that somewhere out there, there is a doctor who will name my disease with certainty and will hopefully help me to feel better. Until that official diagnosis, we continue our search.

We participate in experimentation and research. When any opportunity arises to be a participant in a research study or experiment, I accept. Whether they need my blood, pee, spit, or any other bodily fluid, I freely give it in the hopes that these researchers will find a common genetic malfunction in me and the countless others suffering from a connective tissue disorder. I hope they never give up trying to find the genetic defects and maybe even a cure.

We pray. Prayer always helps whether it is for peace and comfort or healing, it makes me feel better. A spiritual well being brings on an emotional and physical peace that I can't explain.

We live life. I don't sit idly on the sidelines of life watching the world pass me by. I participate in as much as I can and live my life to the fullest. I enjoy what I can and watch what I can't. I know my limits and don't push too hard, but I don't give up and do nothing either. I have a happy balance and it works for me. I would rather have a short and well lived life than the longest one of watching everybody else live without me.

For now, that's all we can do, but it works for me. I stay happy. I'm in good spirits. Sure sometimes, I have my moments where I just need to cry or vent to a friend or pray a tearful prayer, but those moments of weakness give me strength. And that strength that God gives provides me with everything I need to just keep pressing on.

What you don't see.

Every day I wake up, just like you. Every day, I roll out of bed, maybe I little less gracefully than you. Every day, I take 8-10 medications, probably not like you. Every day, I decide how much I want to fight to appear healthy, not like you.

Some days, it's easier than others. Just like any illness, I have my good days and bad days. That's what people seem to have the most trouble understanding - I'm not always so sick, but I'm not always so healthy. "But you were fine yesterday."
"But today, I am not."

You see, maybe the reason I am not fine today is because I was yesterday. Sometimes it's as if I borrow tomorrow's healthy time to use on today, but you always pay later when you borrow from another day. Sometimes people forget I am ill because they don't see what goes on behind the scenes. They only see me laughing and enjoying myself in their company, but never give a thought to what I did or am sacrificing to be there.

A trip to the movies for example. For this simple activity, I climbed into my car and drove a half hour to the movie theater. Adjusting my position every few minutes to prevent back and shoulder pain. I popped a pain pill while driving because I knew I would be in worse pain later if I did not. I dried out my knee brace in the bathroom with the hand dryer because it was raining when I walked into the theater. I wiggled and squirmed through the movie so no limbs would fall asleep and my back wouldn't hurt too badly. I bumped your arm at least 20 times while picking up and putting down my water so I would not die of thirst or cough too loudly. I then hobbled out of the movie theater and back into my car where I settled in for another half hour drive home in pain. I climbed into bed with a heating pad, knee wrap, more pain medication, and pain as if I had just returned from running a marathon. But you saw me smile, you saw me laugh, you saw me have a wonderful time.

I don't fake the fun I have. I could not make it through the day without the love and company of my dear family and friends. But sometimes people don't think. Sometimes people don't understands. Sometimes you are misjudged for things out of your control. But I would not endure so much, if I did not want to spend time with you. Every time I leave my bed, let alone my house, it is a sacrifice physically and sometimes emotionally, but I do it every day. I do it because while "my outward 'man' is perishing, my inward 'man' is being renewed every day. And I know this light affliction is worth far more in the eternal weight of glory."

I may have to hold my body together with braces and tape. I may need heat and ice to move my joints and muscles. I may endure things other know nothing about, but it is worth it. The time I spend living far outweighs the time I spend trying to stay alive.

And the journey continues...

In 12 days, I will be flying to Baltimore for a week of appointments at Johns Hopkins Hospital. During this week, I will see a cardiologist, geneticist, gastroenterologist,  orthopedist, and allergist. What a week it will be!

I definitely have mixed emotions about this trip. I'm a little nervous, as I always am with new hospitals and doctors, but not as much as most people would be because this is all so routine to me. So routine, in fact, that just any one thing being slightly different than other hospital will thrill me. As I always say, I want answers.

I don't even care so much where these answers lead me, but that they lead me somewhere. Somewhere in a new direction. Towards an understanding, peace, and new perspective. I  feel like things have come together so nicely for this trip, that God definitely has His hand in it, as I believe He has had in my entire journey the last 19 years. So this trip begins a new journey...

A physical journey, no doubt, as Johns Hopkins is 543 miles from my comfy bed, where I sit right now. But more than that, this is an emotional and spiritual journey. I don't know in what ways yet, but that's the thing about these types of things, you never really know. You just experience, you feel, and then you react.

I hope I experience a new perspective at this hospital. I hope I feel God's presence throughout this journey. I hope I react with peace, patience, understanding, and faith in the one who holds my future.

Here I come, Baltimore. I'm ready, God.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I began writing this nearly three months ago while I was lying in bed in a hotel room between hospital visits at Cleveland Clinic. I never finished it, but found it on my phone and decided to add some ending thoughts...

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

 Somedays I just wish I was well. It's those days that are hard to handle. Those days I think my body is evilly plotting against me. Those days when I wish I could do what everyone else does. Those days when I think back to what it was like before I hurt so badly. I miss those days. 

I miss being able to pop my eyes open and jump out of bed. Not taking an hour or more to get ready because I can't move. Not being nauseated in the mornings. Not feeling exhausted from the moment I wake up. Sleeping well, not waking up five times in the night, and actually feeling rested when I awake. Running. Dancing. Jumping. Doing kart wheels and handstands. Walking up or down stairs without shaking or tripping. Carrying more than five pounds before sending my heart to palpitations and my lungs on a coughing spree.

That was written 108 days ago... and even just in those three months things have gotten worse for my health. Quite possibly the worst part of this sickness is watching yourself grow worse every day. Sometimes I wonder how things could get worse and how bad I will be a year from now, five years from now, ten years from now. I could end up being the girl who is in a wheelchair by the time I am thirty years old. Who knows.

Already since that time I can name new things that I miss. I miss taking showers. I now take baths almost always because a shower just requires too much energy and stability that I don't have. I miss bending without sharp pains in my knees or my ankles curling out. I miss straightening or curling my hair daily. Now I have a perm because sitting for 20 minutes fixing my hair every day hurt my back too badly and it became too much to manage. I miss painting my toe nails; now if I do this, I have to spend the next few hours laying down with heat on my back. 

Someday not too far from now I might miss other things. I might miss being able to get dressed without someone helping me. I might miss walking down the stairs. I might miss walking at all. I might miss attending classes at EKU. I might miss driving or traveling. I might miss holding babies or small kids on my hip.(That's already becoming difficult.) I might miss writing cards and notes because my hand cramps with pain. I might miss washing my own hair. I might miss carrying a backpack or purse. I might miss going a day without using some sort of wrap or brace. I might miss living. 

But you know what... Today I can sing, I can drive, I can talk, I can walk, I can smile. Today I can love this life and be thankful for each breath. We never know when simple menial tasks we do everyday without noticing will be the things we long and wish we could do again. Now I see why when people get older, they become so ashamed to let other care for them. Who wants to be bathed and fed by another person? Not many do. But somehow we must humble ourselves and learn to ask for help. 

I'm finally trying to let go and let God. I'm asking for help when I need it and when I don't I take pride in the things I can do alone. I don't know how long m independence will last, but I will take advantage of it while I can. I am just grateful to know that as I become more and more unable to do things for myself, I have wonderful family and friends surrounding me who will step in to help. They already have so much. 

When God says no.

I wrote and read this for my church ladies day last weekend.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Recently, I was talking with a friend and the topic of prayer came up. This friend stated that he didn't think prayer was really effective because things did or did not happen regardless of if he prayed. This caught me off guard and at the time, I had no idea how to respond to his statement. I have been thinking about his comments since then and trying to decide why I pray and why I believe it is effective and worth my time.

As you may or may not know, I suffer from medical conditions that cause chronic daily pain and constant visits to various doctors and specialists. Throughout my life, I have prayed countless times for healing from my illnesses and yet, I am still sick. Does this mean my prayers have been in vain or that God hasn't heard me? No, I think it is quite the opposite. I know God hears me, but maybe he has different plans in mind.

Sometimes we mistake God's silence or an answer other than yes for God not hearing our prayers. But I know firsthand that God hears and answers prayers. I have prayed and seen results within minutes that I just can't believe is a coincidence  But I have also experienced the discouragement of what I thought were prayers God didn't answer or didn't hear.

As I just mentioned, I have prayed over and over to be healed. I always left the how up to God, whether it be through a sort of miraculous healing of my illnesses and disease or if it be through treatments and surgeries provided by the doctors, but I never even considered a healing that wasn't physical.

See, I believe God has heard my prayers to be healed, but I think He has a better way of doing that than a miraculous healing. Maybe for God's plan for my life and who He wants me to become, I have to first endure these times of physical hardship. Maybe the healing God wants to provide me with now is a spiritual and emotional healing. I firmly believe that is it. Because through God answering my prayers differently than I had hoped, I have gained appreciation for life and a special kind of long suffering, both of which I could not have experienced if God had just given me what I had asked for at the time.

Sometimes when we think God says no, He really just has better plans in mind. Although we may not fully understand them at the time, they make perfect sense in the will of God and will make sense to us someday too.

Thinking about the topic of prayer reminds me of a song by a Christian artist, Laura Story. This song is called "Blessings" and in the song she says...

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You're near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

Philippians 4:6-7 says:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

So to answer my friend who asked me about prayer: I would now say to Him that just because God doesn't answer the way we pray, doesn't mean He isn't answering at all. Sometimes God's silence or change of direction is just a better plan of protection and love.

A People Pleaser's Plea

I'm a people pleaser. Sometimes to the point that I make myself miserable trying to make others happy. But no matter how hard I try, somebody is always unhappy. Because no matter how much energy I put into pleasing others, I can't please everyone. (Even as I write this, I don't think I fully get it...)

I think this will always be something I struggle with. Although I want to please my parents, family, and friends, I have to realize it isn't the most important thing I could ever do. The most important thing I could ever do is to please my Heavenly Father. His opinion matters the most.

Sometimes people reject our tries to make them happy. They make hurtful comments, question your motives, and take advantage of your compliant attitude, but it's okay. Somehow, we just have to let it go.

The truth is, I try... Really hard. Sometimes too hard. Sometimes so hard I only hurt myself. But God sees my tries, my failures, and my shortcomings, and says it's okay. If only people could do the same thing. But at the end of the day, God is who I most want to please -  not other people.

So while my tries to please others may be rejected now, I know God looks down and sees a heart trying to do what is right. He sees my attempts as success and my failures as lessons. He wants me to keep my heart in the right place and keep trying. He doesn't want me to let others take advantage of me, but he doesn't want me to harden my heart either. It's a fine balance that I have not mastered, but maybe one day I can be a little better. But until then, I will strive to work for my God and not for men.

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men."

                                                                                  -Colossians 3:23

Paper People

Recently I read 'Paper Towns' by John Green. He is an amazing author, but that's another story... Anyway this post is inspired by his book and the quotes below are his.

“Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen - these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.”

I like that quote so much. It's interesting, unique, and amazingly true. How many times are we hurt by others because they don't do or say what we wanted or expected of them? Was it really a fault in them or maybe were hurt because of our perception of what we thought they were? Sometimes we forget that people aren't perfect. We get so caught up in finding this standard in a person when in reality that standard looks different for everyone. Maybe if we learned to accept people for who they are, not our ideas of what they should be, we would have realistic expectations and not be disappointed so frequently. 


I've been disappointed, hurt, scarred, and cracked. I always thought that made me worth less than if I had never been hurt, but in reality it is quite the opposite. Sometimes those pains, hurt, and tears lead you to a new place in life. A place where you learn, grow, and share with others. A place where you are finally cracked enough to let others see you for who you really are... And you're okay with it. When we can learn to embrace our fragile, cracked, and scarred hearts then maybe we could learn to embrace others and this life. 

Paper people. 

“Here's what's not beautiful about it: from here, you can't see the rust or the cracked paint or whatever, but you can tell what the place really is. You can see how fake it all is. It's not even hard enough to be made out of plastic. It's a paper town. I mean, look at it, Q: look at all those culs-de-sac, those streets that turn in on themselves, all the houses that were built to fall apart. All those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm. All the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. Everyone demented with the mania of owning things. All the things paper-thin and paper-frail. And all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters.”

Paper people caring about paper things, all fleeting and fading away. Reading this quote reminded of the book of Ecclesiastes. The writer, Solomon, declared that everything in life is meaningless, vain, and futile.  Isn't it though? What in this life is worth what we put into it? Nothing except our Heavenly Father and faith. I'm not saying we should all do nothing and be bums, but we need to examine our motives and be sure they are worthwhile. Heaven is worthwhile. 

I know I spend too much time on meaningless things in this life; I want to change that. I want to spend more time loving my family and friends, living for my God, and sharing His amazing gift with others. 

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal... For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Why I believe.

Recently in our college class at church, we have been discussing practical evangelism. As in, 'how can I Stacie Lawrence, as a female 19 year old college student in Richmond, KY at EKU share Christ and His love with those around me?'

The best advice our teacher gave us was to become comfortable talking about how God is working in our lives. He said everyday to reflect and write down how God has worked in our life that day. This helps to make our beliefs more concrete in our own minds, making it easier to share with others. Our teacher also suggested we know what we believe and why we believe it. He said it has to be personal. It has to be real. It has to be unique to each person.  I must be able to say with all sincerity and conviction here is what I believe and here is why I believe it.

What I believe:
I believe God created this amazing world for us, His children, to live in.
I believe He created us with desire to know Him and serve Him, whether we choose to accept that or not.
I believe He sent His only Son to die as a sacrifice for our selfish sins.
I believe my sin hung Jesus on the dreadful cross.
I believe that I am unworthy of forgiveness, but...
I believe that I am forgiven, saved, and redeemed because...
I believe God provides unending grace and mercy when I fail.
I believe that I fail constantly, but...
I believe that God loves me unconditionally.
I believe that God knew me before I was formed in the womb.
I believe that God has a special and unique plan for me, my life, and my service to Him.
I believe that God's divine plan will include His guidance, protection, love, and mercy as long as I am willing to follow Him.
I believe that I am so amazingly blessed to know the Lord and trust in His plan for me, even when I am scared of what the future my hold.
I believe that in the crazy storms of life, He is my rock, my shelter, and my safety.
I believe God provides daily blessings in my life.
I believe God allows me to be tested and tried for the furtherance of the gospel and the growth of my faith and relationship with Him.
I believe that if I follow Him, I will receive rewards and blessings here in this life, but more importantly in the next.
I believe that one day I will live with Him eternally, singing His praises, dancing around His throne, and laughing with unending joy and happiness.
I believe Heaven is real.
I believe God is great, God is love, God is mine. And I am His.

Why I believe:
The WHAT is easy, but the WHY can be a bit tricky... Yes, history provides very real records and accounts of Jesus' earthly mission and the following of His apostles and other believers. While that confirms my beliefs and provides me with more confidence to spread that news to others, it isn't why. That isn't what's real to me. That isn't what has personally affected my life. That isn't what helps me through my daily life. That isn't who I pray to. That isn't who I cry to. That isn't who saved me. What I believe may seem irrational or illogical to some people. I believe because of what I see every day in my life. I believe because of my circumstances. I believe because it's my faith. It's my story. Just me and God.

I believe because I learned about Jesus before I could talk.
I believe because I sang the B-I-B-L-E in nursery class when I was two years old.
I believe because mommy and daddy taught me to pray.
I believe because of the 'salt lady' story in our old, musty, Bible story book that still sits on the family bookcase.
I believe because I watched many people come to Christ and be baptized when all I knew was that there was a small pool at the front of the audotorium.
I believe because of the examples of family, love, and living a God-centered life from my parents.
I believe because I had a strong conscience from the time I was 8, when I remeber crying over the first lie I ever told.
I believe because when I was scared, I prayed, and God calmed my spirit.
I believe because of the Bible verse book that is inscripted, "To my sweet Stacie... Love Grandma".
I believe because I watched my daddy baptize my big sister when I was six.
I believe because after years of prayer from my family, my Grandad was saved during his fifties and has been forever changed.
I believe because after seeing so many wonderful examples my faith became my own...
I believe because at 11:30 pm on August 23, 2007, I was baptized with my closest friends and family surrounding me and singing "Sing and Be Happy".
I believe because I've been through many trials through which God never left my side.
I believe because I suffer from medical conditions that would leave someone without God questioning their existence and sanity, but I don't because I have found peace in Jesus.
I believe because God speaks to me through music, books, His word, and those around me.
I believe because I have the kind of friends who pray with me and for me.
I believe because my heart is still beating and my limbs are still attached.
I believe because God has removed people from life who didn't have the same ultimate goal as me.
I believe because God brings people into my life who do have the same ultimate goal as me.
I believe because God uses my parents, my sister, my friends, and church family to strengthen my faith.
I believe because God has guardian angels all around me - I am convinced.
I believe because even though I continually fail, God forgives me and brings me peace.
I believe because though I ache daily, God tells me He has something planned that will make all of this suffering more than worth it.
I believe because when I am weak, He lifts me up.
I believe because when I feel as though I can't get any lower, He shows me a verse, a song, an encouraging word, or a friend to be my strength.
I believe because He has put great desires in my heart to work for Him and help His children.
I believe because He has brought me to a wonderful church family, where I have never been happier.
I believe because things I perceived as bad at the time, He later revealed that He was protecting me from something much worse.
I believe because He dries my tears when I cry over and over and over again.
I believe because though I have turned my back on him countless times, He has never turned His back on me.
I believe because of the little things he does every day to show me that he loves me.
I believe because of the family he has blessed me with, the friends he has sent into my life, and the love they have for me.
I believe because I see that He allows my suffering to be an encouragement to others.
I believe because he gave a lot of people the calling to be doctors and surgeons... the same doctors and surgeons who aid in giving me a better quality of life.
I believe because I have faith that someday I will live with Him in Heaven... in a brand new body.
I believe because every single day of my life, God holds my hand and my heart.
I believe because in Christ, I have an inexpressible joy... Not always happiness, but joy that just can't be replaced by anything else.
I believe because when I think of surgery, my future, or death, I now feel peace.
I believe because I feel freedom in Christ.
I believe because I'm not perfect, but He loves me anyway.
I believe because although I don't always choose Him, He always chooses me. Over and over and over again.

I believe.
I believe.
I believe. 

Embracing angels

A lot of not so great things happened today.

I started the day off with terrible stomach pains.
My professor told me my writing assignment was unacceptable and I have to rewrite it.
My knee began hurting around 10 am and hasn't stopped yet... at 10 pm.
I forgot to do homework over spring break for Spanish class. (I would just like to take this moment to ask, WHO assigns homework over spring break...?)
I was exhausted all day despite the fact that I went to bed early last night.
I have been on an emotional roller coaster all week.

Bad day, right?

But you know what, some good things happened today too.

My stomach pains went away.
I get to rewrite my assignment for full credit.
Only one knee is hurting, not both.
I did an extra credit assignment last month in Spanish that will probably cover the missed homework.
I wasn't as tired as I would have been had I stayed up any later last night.
Some emotions are happy, some are sad, some are angry... But joys are so much sweeter after going through struggles.


Sometimes it's all in the perspective you have in life. Sort of like a glass half empty or half full metaphor, only not so cheesy and cliche.

As an added bonus, I made an A on my Biology test, had lunch with my sister and good friend, had another friend spend a few minutes listening to me and offered some encouraging words, and I explored a new restaurant with yet another friend who was able to lift my spirits.

Earlier today I was almost in tears over several of these unfortunate events, but God sprinkled some encouragement throughout my day as well. He has placed so many compassionate and loving people in my life to pick me up when I am down. A hug from Jesus would solve all my problems, ailments, and make me completely healthy and happy. But since I can't have a physical hug from Jesus just yet, He has placed some angels, my friends, in my life to hold me over until I get to meet Him face to face.

Life Without Limits

Let me tell you about the most inspirational person I know. Okay, I don't know him... But if he ever speaks on this side of the globe, I think I will find a way to that place. Nick Vujicic. Many of you may know him as the man with no arms and legs, but he is so much more than that.

This man is a follower of Christ, loves people, and uses his extraordinary story to share hope, courage, and God's love with people all over the world. I am currently reading Nick's first book, "Life Without Limits". Although I have not even finished the book yet, I have found so much inspiration from this amazing man. Not only has he accomplished so many things people would say are impossible for a man with no limbs, but he has become a spokesperson about living despite your struggles.

Of course as someone who suffers from various medical conditions, I always love hearing stories from others who fight their own medical battles. People often tell me that when they have a bad day, they just think of what I have to go through. While I feel great that my problems assist in keeping things in perspective for others, I don't feel like I have it that bad. Neither does Nick Vujicic. He doesn't even give you the chance to feel sorry for him because I bet he could kick a lot of people's butts in soccer or swimming. I know he could mine.

So no matter what struggles we face, we can overcome them. We can find a way to do things we never thought possible. We can learn to embrace our differences and our challenges and use them as a way to reach others and spread hope and courage.

I don't feel my story is nearly as inspirational as Nick's, but who knows, maybe someday I will have the opportunity to inspire somebody the way that Nick Vujicic has inspired me.

Healing from within

People always ask how they can pray for me. I understand, people like specific requests. I do too. In fact, I always ask for very specific prayers anytime I am heading to an appointment, having some medical issues, or whatever it may be. But sometimes prayer requests are general too.

The one I tell people most often is to pray for my healing. Now while that may seem to be pretty specific, I believe God could bring healing in so many different ways. I could have one of multiple different surgery options, my pain could be relieved, we could find new medication, new doctors, new treatment options, new research for me to be tested under, my aneurysm just shrinking... or maybe it is a healing from within.

Always when I have asked friends and family to pray for my healing I have meant it in a physical sense. Until recently that is always how I prayed for myself. About three weeks ago, I briefly spoke to my friend's mom about a book she had loaned me. In this book, the author is dealing with her own various medical conditions that leave her unable to lead a 'normal' life, but completely able to glorify God with her beautiful attitude towards life. She had to work for that attitude... She said before anything could happen physically, she needed to experience healing from within - a spiritual healing. I believe that this is what I need as well.

Everyone always compliments me on how well I handle what I have been dealt in this life. While I try to be happy and strong, I don't always succeed. Sometimes I find myself angry because I can't do what everyone else does. I get sad because I am overwhelmed with the trials of a normal 19 year old college student and then have medical conditions piled on top. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. But that is no way to live. 

Overall am I happy? Most definitely. Do I try to not let these trials get me down? Of course. Do I always succeed? No. No I do not. But that's okay because I am not finished. I'm still working on becoming all that created me to be. While some people would say this is random, chance, or just life, I say they are mistaking. I firmly believe I am in this particular situation because it is exactly where God wants me to be. I don't understand the reasoning yet, but I know someday that either in this life or the next God's purpose and plan will be revealed.

So until then, I have to keep pressing forward towards my calling - to live this life for my Heavenly Father. Will it be easy? Not at all. Can I do it? I believe with God's help and the continued prayer and support of my friends and family great things can come from my struggles. I can be healed from the inside out.

So for those of you who pray for my physical healing, thank you so much. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for your prayers, friendship, love, and support. But if you would like to add "healing from within" when you pray for me, I would appreciate that as well.

I'm struggling, but I'm not afraid to share that. Because as a child of God, I know I am not perfect, but I have Christ's perfect sacrifice to make up for that. So I won't give up. I'll keep living and searching for my reason and purpose in this life. I will keep thanking God for each breath I have been given.