Count your many blessings, name them one by one.

When I think of my alllllll of my medical conditions, I don't usually think of them being blessings in my life. In fact, I think the opposite. Sometimes when I am feeling sorry for myself, I question why I even have these problems. I think "this isn't fair." But is that really the attitude I should have? No, it isn't at all.

Thursday morning at school, I was coming out of class not feeling the greatest, like usual. My back was killing me, my feet hurt from walking, and my legs ached. I saw the elevator was about to leave so I walked quickly to catch it. I jumped in just in time and almost hit the only other passenger who was taking up almost the entire elevator. I looked down and smiled at the other passenger who was sitting in his wheelchair. Immediately, I felt terrible for even being on the elevator. Sure I hurt almost anytime I move, but at least I can. As I stepped off the elevator not even thirty seconds later, this thought came to mind: "Even if that man hurt like me every time he took a step, I bet he would still do it. I bet her would give anything to be able to walk."

How selfish am I for complaining about walking. How selfish am I to complain about anything. Sometimes I think we get the mentality that God owes us something in this life. We get upset when we find out we have a medical problem, when things don't go our way, when it rains. All the while, somebody, somewhere is thankful for far less than what we have. God gave us way more than we could EVER ask for by sending His son to die for our sins. It was MY sin that put Jesus on the cross and it was HIS LOVE for me that held Him there. How could I ever ask for more than that? How could I ever be upset for God not giving me something else when He has given me life? He has literally given me everything. I don't think I have any right to be upset with Him.

This has made me decide to try to see the blessings in everything, but especially my medical conditions. I read a quote that said: "Everything is either a blessing or a blessing in disguise." How true this is. We don't always see it, but I believe a blessing comes from everything. So now, I will count ten blessings that have come from my medical conditions. Here goes...

1.) My medical issues have made me more appreciative of the little things in life. When I have a good day where I can do something to feel relatively normal, it is not just a good day, it is an amazing day. I love days like that and I appreciate them SO much.

2.) My medical problems have allowed me to connect with some amazing people. If not for my medical issues, I wouldn't be a part of support groups where I have met and became friends with some incredible people who share my same issues. I wouldn't have become such good friends with one particular person who I say is the only person who really 'gets' how I feel. And of course, I wouldn't know nearly as many doctors on a first name basis.

3.) My medical problems have forced me to lean on God. I can't tell you how many times I have broken down crying out to God because I am too overwhelmed to handle things on my own. On a weekly basis, I pray for the strength to keep going and make it through the day. Daily, I pray for God to relieve some pain I am having. If not for these issues, I don't know that I would depend on God so much. I don't know that I would come to Him daily asking Him for His help. I think it is because of my issues that I have learned to depend on Him. It is because that God has given me more than I can handle that I have been made to realize that I can't do it alone, He is on my team, and He WILL take care of me.

This quote says it best:

“I hear religious minded people say all the time with good intentions. ‘God will never place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it.’ Really? My experience is that God will place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it alone. He will break your back and your will. He will buckle your legs until you fall flat beneath the crushing weight of your load. All the while He will walk beside you waiting for you to come to the point where you must depend on Him.
‘My power is made perfect in your weakness,’ He says, as we strain under our burden. Whatever the burden, it might indeed get worse, but know this-God is faithful. And while we change and get old, He does not. When we get weaker, He remains strong. And in our weakness and humility, He offers us true, lasting, transforming, and undeserved grace.”

-Greg Lucas (Wrestling with an Angel)

Amen. That's all I can say.

4.) My medical problems have made me less judgmental. I used to be really terrible about judging others. Not that I don't still have my issues from time to time, it is a sin I struggle with and am continually working on. But now being on the other side of things, I am a little slower to judge. I try to assume the best and not get upset or irritated. I try to think, "what if I were them?"

5.) My medical problems have made me more determined to succeed. College is tough. It's tough enough when you are healthy; it is 50473873 times harder when you are facing it with a medical condition. I struggle. 

Every. 

      Single.

              Day.

But I will NOT give up. It would be easy to say, "I'm too sick for school." Quite frankly, I am. But I will not give up because I am even more determined to lead as normal life as possible. I am determined to continue to be the overachiever that I am and get my double major degree in Spanish and Public Relations.

6.) My medical conditions have made me happy. Strange, right? I know. But through acquiring all of these lovely medical problems, I have realized that I can sit and feel sorry for myself or I can do something, be something, and make something of all of this. And so I do. I face each day with a smile on my face because as far as I am concerned, I have every reason to be happy.

7.) My medical conditions have caused me not to be afraid. Okay, so honestly I am still kind of afraid sometimes. I am a work in progress. BUT by having all of these issues, I realize that God is in control. He will protect me, He will provide for me, and everything will happen in His time. I can't be afraid of heart surgery, or more diseases, or even death because God has a plan.

8.) My medical conditions have made me more open. Like how I just threw the word death in that last paragraph? Yeah, it makes most people uncomfortable. I try not to let any words make me feel awkward or uncomfortable. When you see multiple doctors each month to discuss various parts and regions of the body, you learn not to be awkward with that. In fact, sometimes I play a game to see if I can be more awkward than the doctor. Usually I get some laughs. Anyway, because of my conditions, I am an open book. 

9.) My medical conditions have humbled me. These issues have made me realize that it's not all about me. Other people have problems too. This world is about Jesus and others, not me. I pray for God to show His glory through me and my medical problems, because HE is what it is all about.

10.) My medical conditions have allowed me to help others. I pray for God to fulfill His purpose in me and through my medical issues. I strongly believe that one of my biggest purposes is to help other people with similar conditions. Sometimes people need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, someone to sympathize with them, and even someone to make some jokes and let them know it is okay to laugh. Whatever their need is, I pray that I can help them. I often find myself meeting people just like me an praying that God will give me and opportunity to be a friend to them. I have had others walk me through so many things and so I want to be that light to whoever God places in my path.

So you see, having a few medical conditions isn't all bad. In fact, I bet you are jealous of all these awesome blessings I have aren't you? You are probably also jealous of my awesome sense of humor. No, don't be jealous of either. God gives us each a special and unique walk of life. He gives us exactly what we need to grow and become the person that he created us to be. So take a look at your life and count your many blessings. 

Just keep breathing.

Lately on KLove, I have been hearing this new song about a girl fighting her struggles and how she asks for God's help to keep going. Of course, this relates to me as does any song about struggles. But this one especially hit me. I tried finding out the name of the song, but decided to just wait until I heard it again.

On Tuesday morning, I awoke at 9:09am feeling terrible. My class starts at 9:30 and it takes me twenty-five minutes to drive to campus, park, and walk to class. Yeah and I still had to at least brush my teeth and put some clothes on. I got ready as quickly as I could, drove quickly (and carefully) to campus and power walked to class. The entire drive and walk, I was praying. Not praying to make it on time or for my professor to understand, but just praying God would physically give me strength to make it through the day because I felt that bad. I made it into the classroom at 9:45. Not bad, or so I thought. 

After class, my professor said "You were late. Come talk to me." I tried to explain to my Colombian professor that my medical issues had really been bothering me lately which had caused me to be late. (Truth.) He replied back with something along the lines of, "I need documented proof, I don't care, and this isn't high school anymore." Being the extremely sensitive person that I am, I quickly left the room and immediately tears streamed down my face. A special someone met me after class to calm me down and I just sat outside of the campus bookstore and tearfully sputtered off my sad story. While sitting there one of my new friends walked by and with a very concerned look on her face bent down to the bench where I sat with my head in my hands and asked if I was okay. Of course I couldn't exactly say yes. We both had to get to class so she went on saying she would text me later. I hugged my special someone and wiped away my tears as I walked to my next class. "This is going to be a long day", I sadly thought. 

My next two classes went by fairly uneventfully, with the exception of one professor cussing out the class and angrily leaving the room... but that is a different story for a different day. My friend that saw me crying on campus earlier texted me during my last class asking if I was alright and if she could treat me to Orange Leaf after class. I had a lot to do that afternoon, but I knew I needed a friend so I happily agreed to go with her. We met soon after and immediately my friend offered a hug and bought my chocolate cherry cheesecake frozen yogurt combination. As we sat eating our frozen yogurt, I poured out the story of my day and told her of my various medical problems. She is a fairly new friend so she had not yet heard of my issues. She nodded sympathetically and offered some kind words. We continued eating and talking just about life, school, church, friends, and whatever else came to mind. I knew that my new friend was a Christian, but we hadn't discussed our faith much since we had only hung out a few times, but I was so happy with what happened as we left.

We finished up our froyo, threw away our trash and headed to the parking lot. Once we made it to my car, my friend pulled her Bible out of her purse and said she really wanted to share a Bible verse with me. She read a verse from Isaiah, but I couldn't see what chapter or verse number it was. It said:

"Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

What a comforting verse! I thanked her, we hugged and then we both went on our way. As I pulled out of the parking lot feeling very relieved and thanking God for my new Christian friend, I turned on KLove. And what did I hear but the song I mentioned before. But this time it wasn't just the song, but the story behind it. The artist shared that she suffered with some issues when she was younger and had to ask God daily just for the strength to keep breathing. She said her inspiration came from the verse Isaiah 41:10. She recited the verse...

"Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

"Well isn't that strange", I thought. "That sounds A LOT like the verse my friend just read to me!" The more I thought about it, the more I was sure it had to be the same verse. I texted my friend and sure enough the verse she had read to me was Isaiah 41:10! "Wow, what an awesome God!" was all I could think about. Wow, wow, wow. How blessed am I that God cares about even the smallest things in my life? Just the fact that I was having a bad day was enough for Him to bring so much comfort to me through a song, a new friend, and His inspiring word. I call moments like these my "Wow God Moments." And this was indeed a Wow God Moment! 

I finally figured out what the song was called and I can't stop listening to it. It is a song that describes how I feel so perfectly sometimes. And now it is a song that reminds me of Isaiah 41:10 and God's wonderful love for me. I just can't get over that no matter what God gives me new mercy each morning, never ending grace, and unconditional love. 

Just wow. 

Need you now by Plumb:

Lo and behold, it is a privilege to be a girl.

Don't worry, this isn't a blog post in favor of the feminist movement. In fact, it is far from that. Every Monday, I meet with some good friends in the coffee shop on campus for Bible study. Currently we are reading The Resolution for Women. It is a great book that is very real, applies biblical concepts to every day life, and really challenges you to be a better woman. I highly recommend it. This week the chapter we read was called "Purposefully Feminine".

As a Christian young woman it is hard to know where to stand on the issue of feminism. I mean, it is has some good points, right? Equality is a big point and a good thing to strive to create for all people. But on the other end of the spectrum, I certainly don't get offended if a guy holds open a door for me. I have made it my goal in life to become a princess and I mean if they want to help the cause, so be it. Basically, I would fail at being an advocate for feminism. Anyways back to the point... What does the Bible have to say about feminism? Did women in the Bible struggle with it as much as we do now? 

The four things I considered to be most important from this chapter were the following:

1.) You as a woman, are worth neither less nor more than your male counterparts. You are different, obviously, but only in function, not in value. 

God made boys and girls differently. This is something we learn as children and continue to learn and question as we grow older. We may say or hear things like this:

"Why doesn't that guy understand how I feel?"

"Why are you crying...?"

"You're so emotional!"

"You're just so insensitive!"

Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so. My mom described it to me like this - boys are Tupperware and girls are fine china. What she meant was boys were designed to be a little tougher. They can be thrown around, dropped, and put in the dishwasher and never even get a scratch. But girls as china are so fragile. Girls are delicate and need extra special care. You don't throw your fine china in a drawer by the fridge. No, you place your china in a special hutch or cabinet, handle it with care, and would never even consider the dishwasher. God also said this in different words when he referred to the woman as the weaker vessel. He didn't mean she was incapable or unintelligent, He just meant she was more fragile and needed some extra care. God made us that way. This means he designed a little bit of a princess in us all; it's okay. 

But the fact that God made us differently doesn't mean one is more important than the other. God gave us different roles because we need each other. The world couldn't survive if only men were here or only women were...obviously. But more than the need to 'be fruitful and multiple and fill the earth' is the need to have companionship, collaboration, and dependence. God made us to work together in all things, each with our different roles. We have equality despite our differences. 

(1 Peter 3:7)

2.) Only by surrendering to His design for womanhood will we as women experience the liberation we trying so desperately to recover elsewhere. 

Just as God designed us differently, he also gave man and woman different jobs and roles. By example in the Bible, God created the man to be the provider and protector of the wife, family, and home. He created the woman with nurturing capabilities to care for the family. God created the man to be head of the family. He created woman to assist in that role by supporting her husband. The Bible says we were created for man to be his companion and helper. This doesn't mean we were and afterthought or aren't as important. It just means that God knew man couldn't do it all alone. The Bible says neither man or woman is independent of the other. God meant for a husband and wife to work together through Him and for Him. So as women, when we try to fulfill roles that God designed for a man, we will not be fulfilled. We must strive to be what God created us to be and when we do that God will help us reach our full potential.

(Genesis 2:18, 1 Corinthians 11:3,8-11)

3.) If God's plan for you were to have an inferior status, why would He infuse such great worth into you, then demean you into subservience by His own design?

God loves you SO much! He really does. Even though sometimes as women we may feel less important, we should always know that God values us. I mean he took a rib away from Adam to create Eve. Obviously God thought Adam really needed her for Him to do that. God also gave women the ability to do things and fill certain capacities that a man never could. So he instilled a lot of value and worth into all women to make us have an equal contribution to this world, to our church, and to our marriage. He never meat for us to feel inadequate or less important. Remember ladies, God doesn't make junk. You are a daughter of the King and that makes you a princess!

4.) A woman's strength is best seen not in the demonstration of her power, but in her ability to harness it under the authority of God-given leadership.

Lastly, is this interesting thought. Could I run a household alone, run for president, join the military, preach a sermon, coach football, and anything else typically called a "man's job"? SURE. Absolutely. But just because I can and have the ability to doesn't mean I should. I know, that is SO tough sometimes. But think of it this way, we have the ability to do almost anything, but does that mean we should? God has given us choices. We can choose to sin or we can choose to follow His will. Now while I won't go as far to say stepping out of your Biblical role is a sin, I will say that I don't think it is what God intended. 

All of things are so so so tough for me. I am a very opinionated, outspoken, and independent young lady. Sometimes I have trouble submitting to authority, keeping my opinion to myself, or just shutting up. But now that I am more aware of God's intentions for me as a woman, I am striving to be the person He wants me to be. I want to be all that God created me to be. I want to fulfill His purpose for my life. I want to please Him. So with every breath, every step, and every word, I will strive to follow His word. Even when it's tough, even when I don't feel like it, and even when it means I may be ridiculed. God does so much for me every single day, so even when it comes to my womanly role, I will strive to have biblical femininity. 

I will strive to be His princess. 

8 year old undies and the faith of a mustard seed

The summer before I started fifth grade, my mom took me on our annual back to school shopping trip. We bought school supplies, shoes, and new clothes. I specifically remember buying a certain pair of underwear. They were blue with purple flowers and had sparkles all over them. We bought them at JC Penney in one of those 5 for $15 deals or something like that. Why do I remember this specific pair of underwear, you may be wondering. Because up until last August, they still occupied space in my underwear drawer. That's right, I kept a pair of underwear for almost eight years. It would have made sense if they still fit, but they didn't fit after oh, seventh grade. So there were about five years that this pair of underwear sat in my drawer without being worn or thrown away...they just sat there. The worst part is that I saw them every time I moved things around in my drawer or put my laundry away. I knew they were there and I didn't throw them away. I knew they were there and were completely useless and yet I didn't do anything about it.

Tonight in church the sermon was about faith. The speaker talked about how having just the faith the size of a mustard seed was a big deal because Jesus said we could replant trees and move mountains with even just that much faith. The speaker even had mustard seeds passed around so we could see just how small they were. They were so tiny. I don't think that I had ever actually seen a real mustard seed before. It amazes me how Jesus said we could do so much with that little faith. It makes me wonder, how big is my faith?

In closing out the sermon, the speaker read this passage:

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."                                                                                                                         

                                                                                                                                       -Hebrews 12:1-2

He then said something that I hope I never forget. He said, "When we have true faith in Jesus, we are changed by it." Now, I know when I became a Christian, I was changed. I was forgiven. I was made new. But now that I have been a Christian for five years, am I continuing to change or am I at the same place I was five years ago, or two years ago, or six months ago, or even last week? Because if I am not striving every single day to be better for God and to make my faith stronger then what is the point? There isn't one. 

The next thing the speaker said was in order for our faith to grow stronger, we must do just what Hebrews 12:1 says, we must lay aside our weights. What could our weights be? Our sin, our strife, our stress, absolutely anything that keeps us from serving God to our fullest capacity, anything that distracts us from "keeping our eyes on the prize" - Jesus. This can literally be anything. For me, I get distracted and weighed down with school, with friendships, with relationships, with family, and with my medical conditions. I get so caught up in MY life that I forget that Jesus should consume my time, my thoughts, and my life. I forget...or do I ignore?

Now you may be thinking, okay is a funny story about undies or an inspirational message or just a bunch of random thoughts...? Maybe it is a little of all three. I kept my underwear for eight years because it was easier to leave them there than to throw them away. I was lazy. It had become something I was comfortable with because I had it for so long. I just couldn't leave my comfort zone. Because I didn't want to let go if I couldn't find something better first. I didn't know what the future held. I was afraid.

Why do I become complacent in my relationship with God? It's easier to stay where I am than to put in the effort to make things better. I'm lazy. I'm comfortable with where I am. What if God asks me to do something that I don't feel like I can do? I just can't leave my comfort zone. I want to be in control because I don't know what the future holds. I am afraid. 

Whether it's a fight with a friend, a bad grade on a test, or a new challenge in my medical journey, sometimes I feel like I just can't give it up. I can't let go. I can't give it to God. I say that I have faith, but do I really? I so desperately want to grow in my faith. I want to be made better. And maybe writing this will help me to stick with it. I consider my relationship with God to be a very personal journey, but maybe I need to share my struggles with other people. After all, God did ask us to pray for one another and offer encouragement. So maybe this is a good place to share this new concept. 

I don't want to stay right here for the rest of my life. God didn't ask me to become a Christian and then stop. He asked me to become a Christian and follow Him daily. He asked me to study His word, talk to Him constantly, and share His love with others. He asked me to lay down my weights and distractions, look to my savior, and run to Him. 

Just like finally throwing away that old pair of undies that only took up useful drawer space, today I need to rid my life of spiritual distractions. This doesn't mean throwing them away like my underwear, it just means I need to move them to the proper place in my drawer, or my heart. Jesus wants a place in my heart too and He will have it. Everything else has to fit around Jesus instead of me trying to fit Jesus around my life. God gets to hold my distractions, worries, cares, sins, problems, and strife. 

He gets to hold my hand and my heart.

So since I am surrounded by such amazing Christians who have gone on before me and wonderful influences in my life now, I will lay aside my strife, sin, and struggles so that I won't get distracted from God with this world. I will press on in my Christian journey with patience, keeping my eyes on the prize - Jesus, my savior and friend, who happily and willfully took my place on the cross and died so that I could live with Him.  He is waiting for me at the right hand of God. 

Today, I want to start changing. I want to be different. I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to run to Jesus and give Him everything because I just can't handle this world without Him. I want to never give up and never become complacent with my relationship with God. So right now, I pray that God will help me to give it all to him and simply let it go.

Despite my fears, I am forever His.

"We have nothing to fear, but fear itself."

"A head full of fears leaves no room for dreams."

"Fear is only as deep as the mind allows."

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

What do you fear? What are you afraid of? Everybody has fears. Big fears, small fears, and sometimes completely irrational fears. No two people have the exact same fears. Fear is strange like that. It attacks us in different ways at different times for different reasons. But do we let that fear win over? I think its silly when people say to go face your fears and then everything is fine and you will be such a better person! Because you know what? I am afraid of childbirth, death, getting fat, and heart surgeries. I certainly don't think I should kill myself, get pregnant, become a binge eater, or slice myself open just to see if I can face my fear.

Some people do things every day that I would be scared out of my mind to do. For example, somebody could be running into a burning building right now and think its fun and you could be scared to death just thinking about it and nervously sitting and praying... but that's just a random example. Some people fight every day in a foreign land for the freedom of others. Some people perform hours and hours of operations on a daily basis to save other people's lives. We call all of these people heroes. And yet, I am no heroine for getting fat or pregnant or dying or having a heart surgery.

So what makes it different? Why are some things recognized by most people as being scary and some things are only scary to me? Maybe because those heroes are conquering a fear to save another person, but by conquering my fears, I am only saving myself. Maybe... But whatever it is, I'm still afraid.

When I think of fear and the Bible, I think of these verses:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

 -2 Timothy 1:7

"The Lord is my light and my salvation;Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?"
-Psalm 27:1

So why is fear such a problem for me as a Christian? How can I possibly be afraid when I know that God is in control. I hold the hand that holds the world and yet I am scared of a heart surgery? Maybe because I am human. Maybe because the thought of waking up with a six inch scar, a broken sternum, an overwhelming amount of pain, and no clue where I am is in fact a very scary thing. But as scary as that is, I can think of something scarier. Waking up without God, not knowing Him, not having Him as my savior, and not knowing that I am forever His and forever safe. Because no matter what this life can do to me, God says I am taken care of. God says I am His precious child who He won't let go. God says it is all going to be okay. No matter what. 

"Whenever I am afraid,
I will trust in You.

In God (I will praise His word),
In God I have put my trust;
I will not fear.
What can flesh do to me?"

-Psalm 56:3-4

So even though this life is scary and even though I am afraid sometimes, I know that God holds my future. And that is how I wake up, every day with a broken heart, aching joints, and a huge smile... because I am forever His. 

Gotta get down on...MONDAY

As I sit in my room winding down from this interesting Monday, I am thankful, I am relieved, buy mostly I am just tired.

I awoke peacefully this morning from my blaring alarm radio. I looked at my phone to turn my other alarms off and to my horror, the time was 8:30 am. This meant three things: 1- I should have gotten up nine alarms ago at 7:45. 2 - I needed to leave in fifteen minutes and run across campus to be on time to class. And 3 - It was going to be a BAD day. Thankfully, I checked my email before leaving the house because my one and only class of the day was cancelled. What a relief that was, especially since I found out through email and not by showing up to an empty classroom. Shew, first crisis of the day avoided. Of course with this discovery of class being cancelled, I celebrated like any good college student would and crawled back into bed until 10 am. It's amazing to me how I can sleep for hours upon hours and never feel any less fatigued or exhausted. Comes with the conditions, I suppose. Regardless of how I feel after, I am always grateful for more sleep, even if it is only ten minutes in a car or in my foreign culture and civilization class. (Yeah, yeah, I know.)

After I finally awoke from my beauty sleep, I was off to my usual Monday activities: making a poster for the Latino Street Fair, lunch with a new friend, teaching geometry to my darling students, Bible study with my girls, spending time with someone who makes me smile, decorating pumpkins with 20 middle schoolers, and finally writing a midterm report in Spanish. You know, the usual stuff. All of this added up to one crazy wonderful day. Through each phase of my day came a little stress due to running late, being ill prepared, or just being tired, but looking back I see a day full of memories.

Have you ever thought about that? Everything you do has the potential to be something you remember forever. When I wake up, I don't usually think about what affect that day could have on the rest of my life. I don't usually say "I hope a make a lifelong memory today." It just happens. 

So today Monday happened. Just like it does every week. But today I loved a little, I laughed a lot, and I made some memories.

Go and make a memory tomorrow.

No, this giraffe brushing it's teeth has nothing to do with my post, but I like giraffes with good hygiene.

Happy Monday, ya'll!

The days that don't hurt

Most often, I am in continual pain throughout the day. I hurt when I walk. I hurt when I stand. I hurt when I sit. I hurt when I lay down. I just hurt. All. the. time. But every once in awhile, I have a day where I feel 'normal'. I have an amazing day where I don't hurt as badly. I have a day when I don't feel sick. I love those days.

While a lot of people would be bitter about only feeling good sometimes, I try to be grateful. I thank God for the days that I don't feel sick. I laugh, I dance, I sing, I love, I enjoy the day. The fact that they are few and far between only makes me appreciate them that much more.

Yesterday was a good day. I helped my mom clean our house. I even volunteered to clean the toilet - that's how good I felt. I made around six dozen homemade cookies for our church's annual cookout and hayride. Cooking and cleaning...what a day right? But for me it was wonderful because anything I can do without pain, even cleaning toilets, is something to be thankful for.

Even more fun than scrubbing toilets is Christian fellowship. Which is exactly what I had last night at our church bonfire and hayride. I enjoyed my night of petting horses, drinking hot chocolate by the fire, and of course the chilly but fun hayride. Being around my Christian friends and family makes me forget about whatever pains I have.


I feel happy.
I feel blessed.
Because I am.

 

How are you feeling today?

"Stacie, how are you feeling today?"

"Are you okay?"

"How was your last appointment?"

"Did you get good news?"

These are questions I hear on a daily basis. And when people ask these I sometimes want to respond with:

"I feel terrible, just like everyday."

"No, I am not."

"It was boring and left me with more questions and more tears."

"No, but I usually don't."

But usually I just respond with:

"I am feeling pretty good, thanks!"

"Yes, I am fine. Are you okay?"

"It went pretty well."

"Well, I don't know if I would say good news, but it's okay!"

I used to get SO tired of answering these questions. But then I realized that people only ask because they care. So I have started giving more truthful answers with a little bit of happy laced in. (Nobody likes people who sulk about their problems.) Knowing that people sincerely want to know how I am feelings makes me feel loved. It makes me feel like I can honestly say, "You know, I am not having the best day" or "I just don't feel well today." And it's okay. 

But what is always interesting is the other person's response to whatever I tell them. Sometimes people say "I'm sorry you have to deal with that", "Oh wow, I don't know how you are so happy with that going on", or "Well...that's good?". But my all time favorite is "I'm praying for you." Knowing that someone else is taking time out of their busy schedule to talk to God on my behalf is an extremely touching and humbling feeling. It hits me in a certain way that people's sympathy, kind words, and understanding nods just can't touch. The fact that people spend time talking to our Heavenly Father about me and my health is just an extremely calming thought. 

I am so thankful for the people in my life who care enough to ask me these questions and spend time in prayer on my behalf. I am especially thankful for the sweet and caring girl who I had this conversation with today:

"How are you feeling today, Stacie?"

"Oh, I am really tired, but besides that I am pretty good today."
"Well that is good and I am praying for you."

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." 

                                                                                                                                      -Philippians 4:6-7

Never judge a book by its cover...or its orthopedic shoes.

I look relatively healthy. I mean sure, I could be a little more fit, but I think we can all say that. When people hear about all of my medical problems, they look at me in shock. Usually I am smiling or joking around as I tell them about all these serious illnesses. Then they say, "Are you going to die??" Yes, I am, but so are you. We are all dying. But while I am dying, I am also trying to live. This sounds so cliche, but sometimes people really have no idea what living with a medical condition is like. I don't want people to feel sorry for me and most of the time I don't even want them to mention my conditions, but I do want them to be aware for my sake and others.

That person you give a dirty look to for taking the elevator up one story: they may be in pain every time they take a step.

That person who looks out of shape because they are short of breath after walking one block: they may have a heart condition.

The person who you think must have been out partying last night because they fell asleep in class: they are always tired and fatigued no matter how much sleep or rest they get.

That person who people laugh at for tripping over her own two feet all the time: she may have a disorder that causes her ankles to give out all of the time.

The person who you think is lazy and rude because she is carrying a bag of chips in the grocery store while her mother carries two cartons of pop and a bag of potatoes: they may have a serious heart condition that prevents them from lifting anything remotely heavy.

The person who parks in a handicapped spot and then gets out and walks into the store like nothing is wrong with them: they may be almost in tears from the pain they are feeling when they move.

I know about all of these things because I live them everyday. I live all except the handicapped parking, which is encouraged by parents and doctors, but I refuse because I am too prideful. I admit that I am too prideful to deal with the judgement of others, the questions, and the weird looks that would come with having a handicapped sticker. Hopefully one day I can get over this because I know I will need it.

Every single day, someone is misjudged in this world. I know I have done my fair share of judging others, but  having these medical conditions has made me take a step back and really think. It had made me try to see people instead of situations. It has made me strive to see everyone as God's precious child instead of someone to judge out of selfishness. It has made me look for the good in others and always consider what could be happening in their world.

When I struggle with judging others I pray for God to help me see all people as His children. I know how I feel when I get judgmental glances and I do not want to make another person feel that same way. We need to see and treat one another as the children of the King and instead of spreading our misjudgment  we need to  share His love.

My story is being written by God

Why oh why have I started a blog? Maybe to share my struggles, mostly my medical problems. Maybe because other people can learn a thing or two from me. Maybe because I like talking and writing. Maybe because I hear writing is therapeutic, but my hand cramps up too much to actually keep a journal. Maybe because I need to share my story far more than anyone needs to read it. I need to get this out. I need to talk without anyone interrupting. I need to know that even if nobody ever reads this, it's there. I need to know that someday I can look back on all of this. Someday when there is a cure and all is right in my world, I can look back and feel good about how far I have come. Someday...

So what is my story? My name is Stacie Elaine Lawrence. I have been trying to find my place in this world for almost 19 years now. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, an incredible church family, and an unfailing and unconditionally loving God. I am a student at Eastern Kentucky University and majoring in Public Relations and Spanish. When I grow up, I want to be a translator at a hospital and help people the way I have been helped by so many others. I have been helped so much because I have multiple medical conditions that might take awhile to name.

When I was a toddler, my pediatrician heard a heart murmur. Off to a cardiologist I went where I was diagnosed with a bicuspid aortic valve. In non-medical terms, the normal heart valve has three cusps or flaps, but my aortic valve only has two. This can cause some leakage and regurgitation, but I was told I would not need any type of surgery until my thirties or forties. So no big deal, I just had to be seen by my cardiologist once a year. All was fine until the summer after sixth grade. At my annual visit, the doctor discovered an aneurysm in my test report. I had an aneurysm on my ascending aorta. Again in non-medical terms, the main artery of my heart was enlarged to almost twice the size of what it should be. "It's not a big deal", the doctor assured us. "We will just put you on some medication and keep an eye on it. You don't have any restrictions. Live life normally." So I lived normally (or as normally as normal is for me) for the next year.

At my 2008 appointment, we got some earth shattering news: the aneurysm had grown and surgery was imminent. My parents thoughtfully and prayerfully considered what the doctors said, but ended up deciding to get a second opinion, and a third, and a fourth... That summer I visited four different hospitals in three different states. All the rest advised us to wait on surgery - it wasn't as life threatening as we were told and I could continue on in "normal" living with few restrictions. We decided on a hospital and biannual visits and I continue to be seen there today. I have been through many ups and downs with my aneurysm steadily growing. Each visit I am told that it isn't big enough for surgery so I must sit on my hands and wait for another six months. So basically, I have a ticking time bomb in my chest. Scary, huh?

On top of all of this, I have always had numerous other problems, stomach issues, nausea, constant sicknesses and infections, joint and muscle pain, extreme fatigue, shortness of breath, palpitations, chest pain, and pretty much anything else you can think of. So doctor after doctor tried to piece my medical puzzle together. After years of searching, we finally found an answer: Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, or EDS for short. What is EDS? Basically it means all the collagen in my body is defective. My skin is lose, my joints are weak,  I have little muscle and ligaments, and I am way too flexible. Why does this cause problems? Well, I constantly am in pain, I twist and dislocate all parts of my body, and it can cause more problems later on down the road. With the EDS diagnosis came more medications; sometimes I feel like I could open my own pharmacy. The only upside to this condition are the strange 'party tricks' I can do like making my elbows bend the wrong way, turning my head almost all the way around, and standing on the outside of my feet.

So currently, I have enough medical issues for an entire nursing home and it's all being managed by regular doctor visits, physical therapy, and lots of medication. I am waiting on surgery, waiting for more answers, waiting on new research, waiting to see another doctor, waiting for more test results, waiting for a cure, and waiting for my healing from God. Somehow through all of this, I have been able to keep a pretty positive attitude. Sure I have my bad days where I just need a good cry, but who doesn't have that every once in a while? But for the most part, I am happy. I have joy. My good friend, who also has EDS, said it best with this quote: "The joy of the Lord is my strength. Not just happiness, because I'm not always going to be happy in life. But joy stays with me, no matter what I'm going through."

So no matter what I go through, I will not give up and I will live in peace knowing that I never have to walk through this alone. I have my support group of friends and family, but most importantly I have an amazing God who holds my hand and my future.