I'm worn.

Sometimes in life you just feel out of control. No matter how hard you try to take the reins into your hands, they are always just out of your reach. They sit there in a way that taunts you and makes you question how you have been living, thinking, and even breathing. "Maybe if I had just said this, done this, or did it in that way..." But that's hard to question because that isn't the way it happened. You don't have a do over. This is life. All you can do is hold on to what you have, what you know, what you believe, and have the faith and courage to just trust that it will all be okay.

Getting to 'okay' is the difficult part. It's the part that hurts, stings, and scars. It's the journey that produces the most tears, doubt, and questions. It's the place that makes your so exhausted, fed up, and just done. It wears you out and breaks you down. But once you are there, you feel the relief, the satisfaction, and refilling of pride. But that isn't where I am. I am not okay. But I will be. Somehow, someday, some way.

I'm tired, I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I've made mistakes

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I'm tired, I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I've made mistakes

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

‘Cause I'm worn

I know I need

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

My prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn

Even before the day begins

I'm worn

I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn

So Heaven come and flood my eyes

Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though, I'm worn

I'm worn

Drowning in life.

I've never been good with keeping up with New Year's resolutions. That's why I didn't officially call mine resolutions this year and I think I even lost the paper I wrote them on. I'm a very organized and motivated person, but for whatever reason I hate long term goals. I don't like the wait so I guess that makes me impatient. I don't like being so uncertain of the future. I like to make a plan, stick to it, and live. But that isn't how life works. Especially not for me. Especially not right now.

In the last two months, I have received various doctors reports with news about my health...

1.) I don't need surgery right now. Meaning...
2.) The Loeys-Dietz Syndrome (LSD) testing came back negative. But the geneticist firmly believes that I do not have EDS. So we know I have a connective tissue disorder, but don't know which one. So for now we treat the symptoms and wait until more tests are available to us.
3.) I have been diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic  Tachycardia Syndrome. (POTS) And yes, I still have to look that up to spell it correctly. This means that I have a form of autonomic dysfunction - my body doesn't work properly. Surprise. Basically, my body can't regular basic functions like temperature, dizziness, breathing, blood pressure, heart rate, etc.
4.) As treatment for POTS I am supposed to wear compression stockings (Cute, huh?), increase my water intake to 2 liters a day, and begin taking salt tablets.
5.) Aneurysms don't like much salt so we have to ask the cardiologist about taking the tablets.
6.) I feel as though each system or organ in my body are at war with the others.
7.) I am actually done now, but seven is my favorite number so I wanted to start there.

Maybe I didn't keep blogging because I felt that I had nothing positive to say. Maybe because I am bad about keeping some habits like resolutions. Maybe because life has been suffocating me. Maybe because I didn't realize how much I desperately needed to let out my emotions, fears, and thoughts. But regardless of why I didn't blog these last two months, I need to now more than ever.

I feel the waters rising over my head, the current growing stronger, and my body going under. But it will be okay. It will be okay.