Drowning in life.

I've never been good with keeping up with New Year's resolutions. That's why I didn't officially call mine resolutions this year and I think I even lost the paper I wrote them on. I'm a very organized and motivated person, but for whatever reason I hate long term goals. I don't like the wait so I guess that makes me impatient. I don't like being so uncertain of the future. I like to make a plan, stick to it, and live. But that isn't how life works. Especially not for me. Especially not right now.

In the last two months, I have received various doctors reports with news about my health...

1.) I don't need surgery right now. Meaning...
2.) The Loeys-Dietz Syndrome (LSD) testing came back negative. But the geneticist firmly believes that I do not have EDS. So we know I have a connective tissue disorder, but don't know which one. So for now we treat the symptoms and wait until more tests are available to us.
3.) I have been diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic  Tachycardia Syndrome. (POTS) And yes, I still have to look that up to spell it correctly. This means that I have a form of autonomic dysfunction - my body doesn't work properly. Surprise. Basically, my body can't regular basic functions like temperature, dizziness, breathing, blood pressure, heart rate, etc.
4.) As treatment for POTS I am supposed to wear compression stockings (Cute, huh?), increase my water intake to 2 liters a day, and begin taking salt tablets.
5.) Aneurysms don't like much salt so we have to ask the cardiologist about taking the tablets.
6.) I feel as though each system or organ in my body are at war with the others.
7.) I am actually done now, but seven is my favorite number so I wanted to start there.

Maybe I didn't keep blogging because I felt that I had nothing positive to say. Maybe because I am bad about keeping some habits like resolutions. Maybe because life has been suffocating me. Maybe because I didn't realize how much I desperately needed to let out my emotions, fears, and thoughts. But regardless of why I didn't blog these last two months, I need to now more than ever.

I feel the waters rising over my head, the current growing stronger, and my body going under. But it will be okay. It will be okay.